Erin’s Story: I Didn’t See It Coming

Erin’s Story: I Didn’t See It Coming

I was raped 8 months ago by a coworker. I had just turned 19, was going to college, and was working at the customer service desk inside a grocery store. The guy worked in the deli at the grocery store and he really liked me. I thought he was cute so we started talking. I’d never had a boyfriend. There’s all that drama in high school and even when that wasn’t going on, I always kept myself busy. I was excited. School was out, I just had my birthday, I was flirting for the first time with a guy I liked. Everyone at the store who knew we were talking said nice things- about him and me. I mainly followed his lead and I trusted him because I didn’t know how a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship worked. One day, he texted me asking for me to come over to his house after I got off from work. He had just moved and wanted to hang out. I thought it would be nice to get to know him a bit more. Excitedly, I told my boss (who is like a mother to me because I lost my own) about it before she left for the day. She smiled and laughed and told me to be safe. I didn’t think anything was going to happen so I responded carelessly telling her I’d be smart. That night I texted him after work. He insisted on coming to pick me up instead of letting me drive over. We got to his house, he offered me a spiked drink, but I told him no. He was older than me- he’s 25 so he’d been drinking for years, but I was only 19 and besides that, I knew I had to work in the morning. I changed out of my work clothes into sweatpants and a t-shirt. We were watching a movie in his room when he first started kissing me. I kissed him back at first. He leaned me back and got on top of me. He started taking off his clothes and pulling at mine. I asked him to slow down. I didn’t really know what he was doing. He kept telling me to take off my clothes and not to worry because we didn’t have to do anything. He was completely naked and had gotten my shirt off and my bra. I tried to reach for my shirt but he had me pinned and he kept kissing me. I was starting to panic but I couldn’t breathe because he kept kissing me. I broke away from him and told him to stop. I said I was a virgin and that I didn’t want to go any further. He said “don’t worry baby we’ll take it slow.” He started kissing me again and he put his hand down my pants. I tried to squirm away but it didn’t work. He flipped me over and pulled down my pants. He put his fingers inside me. He had his knee on my back when he tore my pants the rest of the way off. I felt his penis on my back. My face was smashed in a pillow and then he flipped me back over. I begged him to stop but he just kept saying that it was going to be okay. He began kissing me and sticking his fingers inside me again. He spat on his fingers and rubbed them all over down there. He used his hands to pull my legs apart but then his knees were there and his hands were holding my arms down and I still couldn’t breathe from all the kissing. I felt his penis begin to enter me and I started crying. I again tried to move, squirm, anything to get away. He rammed his penis deep inside me. I yelped and he put his hand over my mouth for a second before he just continued kissing me. I felt my stomach curl every time he pushed in deeper. He felt the tears on my face and said “It’s normal to hurt the first time baby. You’re doing great”. He kept going in and out until he finished. He tried to go again, but I think he got tired of fighting me so he just flopped down on me instead. He took his mouth off mine and I finally started to try to breathe again. I felt disgusting and I wanted to throw up. He rolled off of me- his penis was still erect. He tried to get me to rub it. I was in shock and I wasn’t moving so he took my hand and moved it up and down so he could get off I guess. Not really sure what that was. The movie was ending and he went to the kitchen to get some water. When he left the room, I scrambled for my clothes and put them on. I wanted to run but I had nowhere to go. He came back and was upset that I had put on my clothes. But he opened a window and lit a cigarette. His phone chimed and he said it was a friend of his that had just gotten out of prison. I asked what for. He told me about how someone had accused his friend of rape to get back at him for something. His friend took a plea deal even though he was wrongly accused. In hind sight he only told me that to scare me, but at the time I was scared so I just went along with whatever he said. He needed to work at 6 in the morning so he wanted to get some sleep. He laid down beside me and wrapped himself around my body. I had my back to him and I stared at the wall. He slept. I didn’t. When morning finally came, he kept saying that he wanted to call off to spend more time with me. I practically begged him to go into work. He wasn’t sure what time he started so he called the store to check. My boss was the one who answered the phone. I felt like screaming but I didn’t want him to get mad so I stayed silent. I started at 9:30 that day so when he drove me back to my car, I went home and showered for what seemed like hours. Then I pulled myself together and got ready for work. The moment I clocked in my boss knew something was up. When she first saw me coming she said “Hey Erin! How was last night?” Then she actually looked up at me and said “Erin, what happened?” I told her I wasn’t really sure, even though I pretty much knew that he raped me. I was in denial for a while after- maybe even a week or so. I told her that he had gotten aggressive and that I felt violated. She asked if he raped me. I told her I didn’t think so. I think I didn’t want to admit it. She went in the office and called her sister. After talking with her, my boss told me never to talk to him again. I remember her saying that no amount of sorrys will ever make up for what he did and anything else he said was not worth reading. She said a lot “so we’re done with him, right?” She said it over and over again so I would say it and accept it. I made excuses for him and told her I didn’t think he meant to hurt me. She really saved me from succumbing to him again because I probably would have let him make excuses. After she left that day, I didn’t make it much longer. I said I was sick and they let me go home. I felt like curling up in a ball and dying.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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