Anonymous Story: I Don’t Understand, Sometimes I wonder if I was put on Earth just to be used

Anonymous Story: I Don’t Understand, Sometimes I wonder if I was put on Earth just to be used

So Im 20 years old. I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, married for 4. We have an angel baby and a 5 month old son. I’ve had a few different encounters and i would like to share them all. It’s going to be long but i Everytime i speak aloud about everything i find myself “making light” of it all when really it has cut me so deep. I had a very close friend when i was 9. I practically lived at her house over the weekends. She never wanted to stay overnight with me though. For some reason she was scared. I think it was one of the first timea going to her house, we were going to play in the sprinkler outside. I was so excited i went in her room to change into a bathing suit. Out of excitement i forgot to shut the door. I pulled my shirt off and when i lookes up i saw her step staring at me from the living room. He saw that i noticed and so he walked away. I felt like he was just shocked. Me and my friend continued spending a lot of time together. I loved her mom and step dad. They were so cool and layed back. Her mom bought us thongs from the mall and her step dad would give us cigarettes when her mom wasn’t around. One night her mom had to work an early morning shift at 3am. Her step dad took her and left us home alone. We had a fun idea to set up little traps all around the house and hide from her step dad. When he walked in one room, he would trip over a trap and we would know where he was in the house so we could run to another room and hide. While we were making these traps she said “i don’t like monkey” (her stepfather) and i was confused. They had an amazing relationship. I asked her why and she says “i can’t tell you. I can’t even tell my mom” and i let it go. But it bugged me because we told each other everything and what could she possibly hide from her mom? Her mom was so cool! Well another night i was over we took a bath and we put towels on and went to the kitchen or something i can’t remember. Her mom saw me and scolded me. She said she did not want me in front of her husband like that. It was the only time her mom had ever been mad at me and i felt embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t mean anything. I was only a kid. (Now i wonder if she knew something i didn’t??) another night she had to work, me and my friend fell asleep in her parent’s bed. When her step dad got home he didn’t wake us up. He just got in bed with us. I woke up to his hand in my pants and i just layed really still pretending i was still asleep. I don’t know why i layed there like that. I guess i was afraid he would do more if i was awake. I layed there until he got up and went to the bathroom. I quickly tucked the blanket under my legs really tight and pretended like i was asleep when he got back. I told myself after that that he was probably asleep too and did it in his sleep. Afterall, i was in his wife’s spot in the bed. It wasn’t long after that i went back and this time we all went out of town for a birthday party and we got a hotel room. Me and my friend played in the pool for a while and then we chased each other around the hotel. We got back by our room and she said she was thirsty. Her step dad was about to go down to the car to get beer so i offered to race him. He was an older man in hos mid 50’s so i gave him the short way and i went a long way. Like a normal adult, he should have let me win but he didnt. He ran and beat me to the car. When i got down there he grabbed me and shoved me into a wall. At first i kinda laughed because he would always throw my friend on the couch and tickle her. I thought he was tickling me. He started kissing me on my neck and whispered “i love you pretty girl” in my ear. I can’t ever forget the way his whiskers scratched my face like sand paper. I kept saying awkwardly “monkey” “monkey” but i was only about 10 at the time. I didn’t know what to do. Shortly after this, an old man walked around the corner and he quickly got off of me. I told him i was going to the room and i took off running. As i was running back i remembered “i don’t have a key to get back inside” and i was so scared. I got back to the room and my friend was standing in the door way laughing and being silly. I said really scared “let me in!” and she asked me why i guess because of the way i sounded or the way i acted and i quickly said “because its freezing out there!” and her and some other guy (i think her step dad’s nephew maybe in his 20’s) looked at me like i was stupid because we live in the south and it was August! I layed there scared all night. Hoping he wouldn’t try anything else. When we woke up the next morning her mom told us if we wanted to swim before we check out that we better go. Our bathing suits were hanging up on the clothes rack and her step dad was standing there and pointed at my bathing suit and winked. That was the second to last time i stayed the night with her. I distanced myself as much as i could. I stopped being her friend and i stopped being friends with my other friends because i didn’t want to see that man at a birthday party or picking his daughter up from a sleepover. Nothing. I became a loser. I made friends with the less popular kids. The ones who didn’t have many friends. The dorks. I began self harming myself and i ended up depressed. I was made fun of and picked on because i no longer fit in. She played all sports and was a cheerleader so i couldn’t do those things either. Even though i always wanted to cheer. At my school you had to wait until middleschool so i lost my chance. He came to school pep rallies and would wink when he saw me. When i was in 7th grade my sister invites me to have the movies and to stay the night with her and her bf. Ahe let me get drunk and smoke weed. Id never done either. I got so wasted and she told me i should lay down so i did. I passed out and i woke up to her bf mumbling next to me. He talked to me and then kissed me. He pulled out his private and asked me to touch it. He asked if i was a virgin and i said yes. He asked if i wanted sexual experience and i said no. He kept on and on and meanwhile my sister was aasleep in the same room. Finally i just gave in. He went to the bathroom for a condom and i hurried up and woke my sister up. I didnt want her to hate me so i didnt tell her what was going on (ironic i know) so i just told her i was cold and so i wanted to lay by her. Surely he wouldn’t try anything with me being next to her and her being awake right? I guess maybe he heard me tell her i was cold because when he came back he told her “your sister is cold so im going to let her sleep in my little brother’s room where it’s warmer” and she said ok. I didn’t say anything else. I just followed him down the stairs and he had sex with me. That night i lost everything. I got drunk for the first time, i got high for the first time, then he stole my firat everything. My first kiss, my virginity, he took it all. At first i didn’t see it as rape. More like he took atvantage of me and pressured me into something because i never faught him. I just handed myself over to him. But i got a little older and i realized that no matter what, it was rape. A 12 year old cant give consent to a 20 something year old. It doesn’t work like that. By the next year i was so depressed. School was getting harder. Nobody knew about what i was going through so my parents and my older brother figured i had no reason to be depressed. They made fun of me. They were as bad as the kids at school. Eventually they foumd out i was cutting myself too. I remember my brother making fun of me for that too. “Remember, next time go down the river, not across”. And saying in mocking voices “im going to kill myself! Whaaayyy!” i couldn’t escape it. I felt ashamed at school. I felt ashamed at home. I was ashamed of myself. My thoughts were dark and i dont think a single day passed that i didnt consider killing myself. I was always too afraid though. Many times i stayed up crying “just do it already. What are you waiting for! It wont be that bad! Things will be so much better when you aren’t here!” i took some half naked pictures on a boyfriend’s phone for him and he showed his friend then they sent them to all the guys they could think of and everyone was showing everyone at school. My brother foumd out and he shoved me into the side of the school building and said i better delete every picture or he was telling our parents. I couldn’t just delete them! Everyone had them on their phones! I decided i just wouldn’t go back home. When school let out one of my friends had her mom pick us up and drop me off at another friend’s. My parents called the cops looking for me and some how the cops found out where i was. They took me to the PD and gave me one of those mental analysis test things. The next day my dad and brother where hunting and it was just me and my mom. For once she asked me what was really going on. She asked if i had ever been messed with and i said no. Then she told me that she had been and told me her story then she asked again if i had been and i said yes. She asked who and i didn’t want to tell her. She guess my friend’s step dad and i said yes. We decided to make an anonymous call and she told the police that they may want to investigate the home. I guess nothing ever came of it. I didnt tell her about my sister’s bf though because i didnt want my sister to be mad. Ahe had a baby with this guy. Finally i graduated my 8th grade year and my parents signed me out of school. They understood the effect school had on me. Even the teachers and principle had begun picking on me. A month after school i met a guy. I was 14 and he was 17. I loed to my parents and said he was 16 so they wpuld let us date. They liked him quite a bit and i finally told my mom how old he was and she said she knew all along. They let him stay over night a lot because he lived a half hour away and my dad would get him so stoned we would all pass out or whatever (horrible it sounds but whatever). Well one day we were on our way to his moms and we got in a wreck and totaled his truck. Because he would have no way back and forth to come see me, my mom let him move in. Also because his parents were going through a divorce and my husband was mentally distraught. She felt it would be better if he was away from all the drama. One day my husband went hunting with my dad and we were txting. He got mad because i invited friends over without him and he started calling me a whore and a slut etc. I told my brother who was there and we agreed it was bs. When they pulled up me and my brother jumped him (again, horrible i know) and my mom told him id only been with him so i couldnt be a whore. Then he started yelling about how i had sex with my ex boyfriend and my sister’s now ex. My mom laughed when he said that because obviously it wasn’t true. Or so ahe thought. I started crying because he wasn’t suppose to tell people and i didnt juat have sex with him he raped me! That didn’t make me a whore or a slut. So everything was in the open and my parents drove me to the PD and i gave my statement. Nothing ever happened with that either. Me and my bf got married when i was 16 and we moved out together. He lost his job and had to take an out of town job for a couple weeks. I didnt wanna stay alone ao i stayed with my parents. Mine and my husband’s good friend offered to pick me up so i could hang out with him and his gf and drink a little. I was down so he came to get me. I got in the car and his gf wasnt there. He said ahe was at home waiting. We took off and he passed his house up and then he said he had to get beer. He passed the beer store up and said he would go to the next one. We stopped at the next one and they wouldnt sell beer because it was too late. He asked where i wanted to go and i said we had plans to drink with his gf obviously thats what i wanted to do. He said no picl somewhere to go. He asked to see my phone and i thought he needed to make a call so i handed it to him. He turned it off and went to throw it in the console and so i stuck my hand in there to get it. He bared down with his elbows trying to keep me from my phone. Smashing my hand i still managed to get my phone and he broke the console in the process. I started txting my mom and he drove me around for a minute til we headed back. He asked if we could stop at my house and get some movies and i said sure. I go to use the bathroom and he has done put a movie on in my bedroom and has the light off laying in mine and my husband’s bed! I sit awkwardly on the edge of the bed (its a king size so im far away from him) for a minute then finally say i want to go back to my parent’s. He laugha bitterly and acts angry but takes me anyway. After dropping me off he starts txting begging me to have sex with him. I told my husband everything. I felt like he would have forced himself on me that night. He was so cocky and aggressive. About a year later he messaged me on fb apologizing and saying he was on drugs back then. I saod thanks for the apology but we cant be friends. I swore to myself never to be in that position again. I feel pretty happy and over everyrhing but once me and my husband got drunk and went riding backroads. We were going to have sex and i got naked. He stopped the car and asked me to get on the hood so we could have sex. I didn’t want a car to pass and see us so i said no for us to do it inside the car. He got mad because he wanted me on the hood and we started arguing and at some point i completely blacked out and when i came to his face was covered in blood and his hands were covered in blood and he had blood all in his lap. His glasses lense was broken in half. Id punched him in the face. I didnt mean to but i guess i became afraid. Being alone drunk naked and him “demanding” me to do something. That was a few years ago. Last weekend i got drunk at a friends and we planned to atay the night. My husband had fallen asleep and my friends niece was there and we decided to make a pallet on the floor. I started getting really scared and felt like panicky. I kept saying i cant sleep here i wanna go home. Im sared im scared. Shes 14 and idk if she understood or not. Her uncle our friend had been getting handsy with me all nightm i asked her to come outaide with me while i smoke a cigarette. All of a sudden i buat out crying saying i wanna go home im so scared i cant do this ive never felt like this before im afraid! I went inside and woke my husband up and we left. Im not sure why i feel ovwr everyrhing but then i get drunk and panic? And why did i get violent with my husband? Is that normal? Will this feeling ever go away? When people talk about rape, they often think rape steals your innocence. For me, rape and sexual abuse atole everything! It stole my entire childhood. It stole my friends and my family. It stole my dreams. It ultimately made me drop out of school. Ive destroyed my body and have scars all over both thighs and from my wrist to my forearm on one arm. What will i tell my son? It has even affected my marriage and apparently I’ve stooped to bawling my eyes out to a poor 14 year old girl. I wonder who i could or would have been if these things never happened. I often think of revenge. I know where the atep dad and my sister’s ex live. I feel like i should get justice. I want to hurt them like they hurt me. I feel like im fine but then i fall apart..

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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