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Nov 13

Carly’s Story: His Only Daughter That He Chose To Hurt

Never in my life did I think I would ever get enough courage to share my story but here I am. So I guess I’ll just start from the beginning.

I was 2 years old and was when foster care with my younger brother. My biological mom had lost custody of us as she abandoned us for weeks on end, and my biological father wasn’t in the picture. Doctors had claimed that I wouldn’t ever be able to live on my own and said there was very little hope for my younger brother. We were basically what the state classified as “special needs children”. They really had no hope for either of us to have successful lives. One day though, my adoptive mom found our picture at an adoption fair. She filled out an application and in about a year later, my younger brother and I were adopted to my adoptive parents [B] and [P].

Now you’d think that after getting adopted that life would have gotten better from there. Well that’s where a lot people get it wrong. I had about a year of just a happy life that any kid could have until one unfortunate day. I was 6 years old and I had to take a shower. Well at 6 years old, most parents are going to come and help their children get dried off and get dressed into their pjs. That’s just a normal occurrence. This time was different though. My adoptive father, [B], came in and instead of helping me get dried off and dressed, he proceeded to start touching me. Touching me and kissing me where no father should be doing that. I remember him doing this and then telling me that if I ever told anyone what had just happened my family would be taken away from me and I would never see them again. Being 6 years old, that’s a scary thing to be told so I kept quiet.

I wish this had only been a one time occurrence, but it only got worst. [B] then proceeded to do this every time I got out of the shower, then proceeded to make it where even when I was out and about living my day to day life he would make sexual advances at me. It became a every day thing in my life. He would grope me, he would get in my bed and try to rape me, he would grab my vaginal area as I was looking in the fridge, he would make me give him blow jobs, make me give handjobs, made me make out with him. It goes on and on. He would get in the shower with me and have me let him wash my body with his hands. I stayed quiet out of fear. I was afraid no one would believe me.

Well when I was 13, I ended up getting drugged and raped by a boy I met at the pool that summer. I told my adoptive parents that I had consented out of fear that they wouldn’t have believed me if I told them I was raped. Well my adoptive father was not happy when he found out I was no longer a virgin. That night, he came into my bedroom butt naked and proceeded to yell at me saying “IF YOU REALLY ARE A WHORE COME AND GET YOU SOME OF THIS DICK! YOU WANT SEX HERE YOU GO GET YOU SOME!” I cried and I cried and yelled at him to get out of my room.

My adoptive mother didn’t want anything to do with me after me getting raped. She would call me horrible horrible names that no mother should call her child. Slut, whore, bitch, etc. My adoptive mother knew how much I hated my adoptive father, so as punishment for losing my virginity before marriage she made my adoptive dad take me on hunting and fishing trips. I begged and I begged for her to let me stay with her. I pleaded that I’d do anything as long as she didn’t have me go with him. She ignored my cries and made me go with him anyways. Those fishing and hunting trips were the worst things to happen in my life. On the fishing trips, we went out to Kentucky Lake where we were on his boat and he would try to rape me on the boat. I got suicidal and I was admitted into the hospital.

When I got out of the hospital, I was put on an antidepressant and was basically monitored 24/7. Alarms were put on my door and locks were put on my windows. The hospital told my adoptive parents I was not to be trusted. Of course, I was back having to go back on the hunting and fishing trips with my adoptive father. So the attempts of him trying to rape me kept happening. I tried to drown myself by jumping off his boat, but he jumped in and got me out. He told me “Your mother would never forgive me if I let your dumbass die. If it weren’t for her, I would have just let you drown.”

I remember like it was yesterday this one hunting trip that he and I went on. He had shot a doe and he wanted to go after it to see if it would just die. So he taught me how to shoot his gun in case another deer came along or in his words “Or if you just have the sudden urge to gratify the world with your death.” As he climbed down the tree stand I turned off the safety on his rifle and had it aimed right at his head. Yet, for some reason I couldn’t get the umph to shoot him. This man who had made my life miserable for so many years I could have killed with his own gun and I couldn’t pull the trigger. When he had gone far enough to where he couldn’t hear me, I broke down and bawled.

One night, I was back home with my siblings and both my parents were home. I had sneaked out my old laptop and had gotten on the internet. I was making plans with a man I had never met to kidnap me so I could get away from my adoptive father’s abuse. Yes, I was aware that this strange man I didn’t know could just as easily do the same to me, but my goal was just to get away from my adoptive father. Well my brother caught me on my laptop and told my mother. So of course I was in trouble and my mom was asking me where did I learn all these sexual acts that this guy was asking me I had known. My adoptive father was there with her and looking at his face and knowing I’d have to deal with another 4 years of him made me so angry that I just let it all out. I admitted that my adoptive father had taught me and told my mother everything he had done to me since I was 6 years old.

I remember my mother sending me to my room and I just felt relief. Relief of the world off of my shoulders finally after 8 years of abuse. I didn’t care if she didn’t believe me and she decided to send me off. I was just done with my adoptive father’s abuse. My mother called me into hers and my adoptive father’s room where she told me she believed me as two foster girls they had had before me had said the exact same things I did and I didn’t even know those girls.

I was so grateful that I fell to the ground and I just bawled saying “Thank you thank you.” Then what my mother did next was surprising to me. She asked me not to have her report him to the police. She told me that she would divorce him and that she would use him for money so that we’d be able to live comfortably. I looked into my mother’s eyes and I saw how much she wanted me to just let him go. I loved my mom so much that I told her that she could do what she had planned. Oh how much I wish I hadn’t.

My adoptive father was moved out of the house within the next month and they were divorced on the anniversary of my adoption, February 14th 2012. My mom put me into therapy but she told me to tell the therapists a whole made up story that was so elaborately made up that I can’t even remember what it was. So of course therapy didn’t really help me. I was taken off my antidepressant and I got to have a somewhat normal teenage life for about 6 months.

My depression spiraled back to being really bad again and I ended up back on antidepressants. I was paranoid, I was anxious, I was having panic attacks, and I was depressed. Therapy wasn’t helping me and my mom was having me write letters saying that I didn’t ever want the cops to be called on my adoptive father. I was scared that my adoptive father was going to come back and hurt me or even worse kill me. I was losing sleep and was having night terrors. I ended up starting to self harm. I went to my mom and I told her I was ready to call the cops on my adoptive father. I felt like if he was behind bars I would feel more safe.

Well my mom had a recorded confession of my adoptive father admitting he molested me for years. So she went to my adoptive father and told him. He was skeptical and said that they would never believe it. Then she played her recording of him admitting to it. He got scared and said “Well I’ll just kill myself before you can call me in.” She told him that he wouldn’t even get that chance.

My Mom ended up getting all of his guns and bringing them over to our house. She was going to make sure he wasn’t going to kill himself because she didn’t want that on her conscience. Well one day my adoptive father told her “I am going to kill myself and you cannot stop me.” My mom told me this and said not to say anything to anyone as she honestly didn’t care at that point if he died. I kept quiet because in one part of my head I was glad he was going to die, but another part of my head was feeling guilty for not saying anything.

February 13th 2015, my mother and I went to pick up my brothers from the movies as they had went to see a movie with him. My adoptive dad gave my brothers a hug and told them he loved them. He then looked at my mother. He had this nickname for her when they were married as she would call him Billski. He looked at my mom right in the eyes and said “Goodbye Perriski.” We got back home and I heard my mom crying in the kitchen. I went up to her and I asked her what was wrong. She told me “[B] is going to kill himself tonight.” I said “Oh….”and proceeded back to my room. I tried to forget about it and tried to convince myself that it was a dream I was in. That night, my adoptive father shot himself in the head.

February 14th, 2015, my family was notified that they had found my adoptive father dead in his mobile home in Princeton IN. My sister and her fiancee came over and were talking to my mom when I came out of my bedroom from waking up. My mother looked at me and she said “Carly, he’s dead. He killed himself last night.” I was happy. I was happy he was off this world finally and not able to hurt anyone any more. But I cried. I cried hard. My sister started to cry and she came to me and hugged me saying “He’s gone now. You don’t have to be scared anymore.” I wish it had worked out that way though.

I ended up winding up more depressed than I was before. I felt guilty because I didn’t say anything to anyone to get him to stop. I felt like a murderer. I started self harming more and more just so I could have a way to punish myself for what I didn’t do. My mom, and my sister realized I was getting depressed and got me on a new antidepressant. Which helped a little bit but not very much. I was very paranoid that my adoptive father had faked his death and that he was going to come back and hurt me again. Any time I saw anyone who looked like him, or anything that reminded me of him, I would go into a panic attack freaking out that he was finally back to get me. I had nightmares where I saw him all bloody asking me if I was happy now that he was dead and would look down and see a gun in my hand. I was very anxious and didn’t even want to do anything. I started to starve myself. I was going down a bad road.

I stopped taking my meds and I ended up trying to commit suicide here January 2016. I ended up in the hospital where my mom basically thought I did it for attention and when she visited me in the ICU told me that she had wished I had died. I ended up in and out of short term hospitals till I got into a residential hospital for 5 months. I got out and I was finally happy. I had worked out pretty much most of my problems and didn’t blame myself for everything. Well I ended up making a mistake and was sending nudes to a guy that I had met online. My mom found out and proceeded to ground me and we got into an argument. I told her I had blamed her for letting me get molested as she married a child molester. She then told me “Well had you said something sooner you wouldn’t have been molested as long as you did then you wouldn’t be as fucked up as you are.” That made me angry and so angry in fact that I basically made it set in my mind that I would never forgive her. I had my own car at that time and knew how to drive from the little time that I had my permit. I took my keys and packed a bag of my stuff and jumped out the window and proceeded to steal my car and leave.

I ended up in Missouri where I basically called myself in and I got arrested for tampering with a motor vehicle. I got me a public defender who was very supportive of me and was helping me out. The sheriff of the jail I was in was very supportive of me and actually found me a place that would get me a place to stay. I ended up going to court after being in jail for a month and my mother didn’t show up for court. So I got released and my charges were dropped. A sweet lady who was friends with the sheriff of the jail I was in got me into a group home where I could get back on my feet. I got my life back in track and got disability.

Now here I am over a year later. I am doing great. I have me a loving boyfriend who loves me very much and is always there for me, a dog who I love very much, and some pretty great friends. I haven’t spoken to my mother in about 8 months now. I don’t talk to any of my family as they all shunned me when I ran away. I made myself my own family. I am 19 now and I’ve got my own place and I’m very independent. Working on getting me my license and I haven’t been this happy in 17 years.

I just need to let you all know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can and will make it as long as you stay strong. I have faith in you. I mean hey look at me. I’m doing loads better now. I know you can and will too. ~Love Carly

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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