AUreu’s Story: I Said No and It Still Happened

AUreu’s Story: I Said No and It Still Happened

I was out with my friend, we went to a University corridor party. I didn’t know anyone there and the next day I had to work, we didn’t want to drink much, only three beers we said. I don’t know how much I ended up drinking, rum someone brought, cava from someone else, beers they gave me… I was very drank very soon. We put music an all started dancing, there was this one guy that was always dancing right behind me, groping me, every time I pulled away, he was nice but I didn’t like him. At first I thought he wanted something, but then I realized he was doing the same to my friend, they knew each other and nothing had ever happened between them, so I just assumed, he doesn’t want anything, we are all just having fun, there’s nothing wrong with that. So I let him continue.
People started leaving and the party was dying, I was talking to someone else while that guy was just “caressing” my face, and then he said, Hey let’s go somewhere. I went with him, at that time I thought absolutely nothing of it, until he took me to someone else’s room. He immediately started kissing me, I didn’t want it, but I never really said anything, I just thought, we will just kiss for a while and then I will find some excuse to leave.
But it didn’t stop there, he layed me on the sofa and started touching me everywhere, and then he took by blouse off and started to fondle my boobs. And then I started saying no, no, no, no, please stop I don’t want this. I continued saying no but he didn’t really stop. So I got up, and I said: I’m leaving, I don’t want this. He promised that he would stop, we could just sit in the sofa and talk, it was ok.
So I stayed.
We did talk, for 5 minutes. Then he started kissing me again, and touching me again. And I said stop, and I said no, and he still continued. And I just gave up saying no, because he wasn’t listening to me, so he touched and kissed my body, and I was just there, laying in the sofa, drunk.
And then he removed my pants and my underwear, all at once. I again said, please no. No. No. NO. I covered myself, I didn’t want him to see. At that moment I remember feeling terrified, I didn’t want this at all. He begged, he said come on it’s ok. It wasn’t ok, because I didn’t want it. I kept saying no and he kept saying yes, until I gave up and said, at least wear a condom. Again I just layed there, I didn’t move. He couldn’t get it in, and I wasn’t helping with it, so he said come on then, give me a blowjob, he put his dick in my face. I refused profusely, I was disgusted by the thought, at least he didn’t force that.
He tried again to have sex, kept pushing while I was there laying in the sofa, waiting for him to finish, I just wanted it to be over. And then he came. He put all his clothes back, and I put mine.
I sat on the sofa and he sat next to me, he wanted to see me again next week. I said no, you won’t see me, you don’t even like, I’m just the drunk girl. He kept promising he liked me and I kept saying no you don’t. I just wanted to cry because I don’t understand how that had just happened to me.
He left.
I went back to the party, there were 3 guys left, and I started crying, no one really cared.
I met my friend outside, I started crying again as soon as I saw her, she asked what happened and all I could say was ‘I said no and it still happened’. She felt bad I was crying, but she thought that as long as he hadn’t hurt me, it was ok.
That night she saw me cry, a lot, because it was all I could think about. The next day I did as if everything was ok, we talked about the party, we laughed about it and I did as if it didn’t bother me. But it did bother me, and it still does, because I still think about it constantly.
I told one of my friends the next day, it was possibly the hardest thing I’ve done, I couldn’t describe what happened, I was just crying, and I felt so ashamed of everything. I don’t want anyone to know, and specially my parents, they already worry to much, this would break their heart.
I am writing this here because I feel the need to tell this story somewhere, but I will never tell anyone, or at least not yet. I feel shame of what happened, I feel confused, sometimes I remember parts of the story, and some that I’ve probably forgotten in here. I don’t know what to think of it, how to call what happened. I just wish it never did.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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