Anonymous Story: “W” is for Waterfall

Anonymous Story: “W” is for Waterfall

Every night he would come into my bedroom. I woke up out of it so drunk in sleep I think I was
drugged. I could not feel anything happening while I lie asleep. I wake up with the covers thrown
off me and in positions I could not be as limber while awake. He would threaten me while growing up to have sex with myself or he would lock me in prison. I was called a slut for having sex with myself and it was the reason my rapist stole my child from me. I could never do anything because many people were involved. I would go to sleep wake up in the middle of the night turn over and go back to sleep. There is nothing I could ever do. It has been happening all my life.
I was young and foolish. In my youthful days, I loved to play with toys. I never had any friends to hang out with. I had only myself. I played with barbie dolls. I would comb its hair. I would pretend to be family with Babie and Ken. I would imagine what it meant to have a healthy family. I would fantasize about how a relationship builds with trust. Until one day that trust had broken into a thousand pieces. It was the bond that I became silenced while alone in darkness invisible to light. I vacate the pain of not having you around. The universe can hear a pen dropping, dropping, dropping. Vamoose its energy is gone. Alone in this empty shell time has no light. I am alone.
It was the day I was left alone in the house by myself. I had been reading a Redbook magazine. I wanted to study how to deliver a baby. I was alone in the house that was very quiet, not a sound nor television or radio had played. It was an ordinary day. When I lost it, I began to cry. I am the voice behind the words lost in meaning for a child is too innocent and young to understand boys. A child is too young to understand what she was exposed to at an early age. I became an addict whose words lie within meaning to love as I desire to need love. My first experience I felt the sand flows through my loosed fingers, my desire is taken as a token of loss, pain, and grief with the tears I shed.
I hunger for empathy to say I am sorry it ever happened. It came unexpectedly without warning. It came down on my hard. I inhale the cries that pierced my skin and gave me wounds that will never heal. Like the words that bleed across this blank page with scornful literic damaged me eternally. He tasted my forbidden fruit which is now a rotted dry fruit that no one wants to eat the body he claims he owned.
Alone in my dreams, I feel stones turning into a gem. I feel the shiny gem stone in the light. I have an attitude that says I am special. People stare admiring the light flashing in the light. With a certainty of influence on others fear that I am not alone because I have purpose.
I am the addict desiring needs to forgive his forced entry into my cubical space was silenced and now secluded. He invaded my home upon forced entry. I lie alone confused and perturbed as he stabbed a cross in my heart with hateful spears of regret.
Today I question the universe amongst the galaxy I have cried many times. My cries echo in the wind through the words of many girls who sinned temptation. I am the young girl who asks for help as the calm sea is quieted and the shadows ride upon the tides in the meadow of life. I cannot accept things as they are. I am taking humiliation one day at a time. The sin that I regret will not be forgotten. I am an addict desiring to be loved who is challenged within life questioning empathy. I needed a friend to tell me things will be okay. Sex comes naturally and unwanted. I was too young to be fooled into risking my innocence with a boy I hardly knew and controls me.
I am the manager of my dreams where everything relies on circumstance. The tiny things that do not matter I can not feel. I feel trapped in a maze. Somehow my emotions do not exist. I do not know how to get out. I am invisible to celestial light giving hope that at the end of the tunnel there is life. I could have said no, but I was afraid of going to mental prison. I was the girl who trusted the devil into provoking me into sharing my fruit for wisdom.
I began to question who I am. I hold truth as evidence for reasons that I never knew, and I never had control over. What I hoped to bring relationships was broken at the point of no return. While I needed to feel loved I felt empty inside. I now reconcile the difference of knowing I am important and I am in control not him. I began to shut out reality. My eyes had become sickened with hate. I no longer desired to build a relationship that was broken. The stars do not always light up the night. A wooden beam comes between us from motivating ties to reunite in friendship. I am holding on to circumstances that I can not control. We had sex and he never loved me. I was too poor, ugly and dumb for the boy I hardly knew who raped me.
The rippling tides come and fade away the scornful words of intrusion. Racy thoughts of suicide have become the voices in my head that whisper slut, whore, shit, nothing and I begin to scream at their words that ponder with possession that has lost all sight of lyrical meaning with disgust.
I am an addict desiring to be loved. I search to define my purpose to define what is real. Reality is knowing who you are. If I am unable to communicate I won’t escape the darkness. My tears will fill the ocean eternally with weeping sorrow. God only gives us one chance and once it is broken, you will never get it back. You live your life in hope of finding inner peace from the memory of him taking away your virtue, violating your trust with the lack of empathy of him controlling your life and not letting go.
The reality of love is nothing but life itself becomes complacent with fear to be held and touched. The more you want to open you live in fear of losing your sanity. I become afraid of trusting another man with my soul because I am afraid of dying. The act of finding happiness relies upon building relationships with the humility of forgiving the one person who hurt you the most and trusting a stranger with your broken heart to see something in your others can not see.
My heart beats in measurements of countless time. I will not live in peace until I am able to let go and move on. The hardest part of a broken relationship is to admit it is over. To love is to have the desire to need passion. I find that an empty heart beats in measures of countless time that is lost with the pain in agony and regret.
He was an acropolis to a painful ulcer. He was my silent rage in defeat of an absence minus quiet desires to vengeful needs. My desire to be loved does not measure my expectations, but to define the guilt faded and emptied my heart completely. In his memory, he was the parasite that ate my flesh as a wilted rose dies at conception. He was a post modern resentment of intrusion that I mistaken for lust for love. He was cunningly the kink in the joints that intimidated me to want seclusion and become absent from finding eternal happiness. All has been forgotten except the irony of defeat. I lost contact with my lover and the memories he left are not but painful distilled memories of content and harsh feelings of regret that it ever happened to me.
In the beginning the world would be better if we questioned it by being clearer. I identify with Rupi through metaphors and cliches. There is symbolism of cleansing yesterday with a new attitude for life today. We can’t live in the past. Yesterday had become a metaphor for masked identity that sin must be cleansed. Today is the cliche forgive and forget and to move onward. Today we make promises to live our lives in harmony to live healthy. Life’s quest is to be happy

Rupi Kaur begins her story with trust. Taking my Body Back is a moral story about a victim finding inner peace after being raped. She lived a clean house where everything was organized and had a special place. Rupi had gone on a group date with friends. She was expecting to have a good time. Her blind date was a friend of the family she thought she could trust. He wanted to take her home but instead he took her to a secluded place. In this unfamiliar place she felt scared and confused about what was going to happen next. After being raped she felt violated because he took her body for granted. She felt an empty pain. She would never be the same with the memories that remained. The shame, the guilt she felt would take a long time for her to heal
Rupi explains her story with conviction where the words become a meaningful artistry of reason. The message she gives explains how awful it must feel to be raped. She compares being raped to having something that you are attached to taken away from you. Rupi explains in her story that rape is a painful experience that makes you lose sight of wanting to trust someone. Rupi explains how long it took for her to overcome the pain of having your personal space violated when every time she dated she remembered what it felt like to be raped. It took Rupi a long time to over come being raped. Being raped is not something that you overcome because once its gone you will not get it back
Rupi tells a story by using images that make the story into a spoken word poem. Rupi uses clever speech to describe a mood or an object with an image. Instead of explaining how painful things were, Rupi uses clever speech to describe the pain. In Rupi’s story the pain becomes visual. Rupi is very articulate in how she explains her story using details that are significate part of conveying her message to an audience. Rupi is good at what she does. She has a gift for her form of story-telling. She is famous because of what she says is important for an audience to hear her story and question to validity of the circumstance. In the beginning the world would be better if we questioned it by being clearer. I identify with Rupi through metaphors and cliches. There is symbolism of cleansing yesterday with a new attitude for life today. We can’t live in the past. Yesterday had become a metaphor for masked identity that sin must be cleansed. Today is the cliche forgive and forget and to move onward. Today we make promises to live our lives in harmony to live healthy. Life’s quest is to be happy. Rupi shares the elegance of surviving a tragic event in her life to communicate the gift of finding inner peace

In the beginning the world would be better if we questioned it by being clearer. I identify with Rupi through metaphors and cliches. There is symbolism of cleansing yesterday with a new attitude for life today. We can’t live in the past. Yesterday had become a metaphor for masked identity that sin must be cleansed. Today is the cliche forgive and forget and to move onward. Today we make promises to live our lives in harmony to live healthy. Life’s quest is to be happy

Rupi Kaur begins her story with trust. Taking my Body Back is a moral story about a victim finding inner peace after being raped. She lived a clean house where everything was organized and had a special place. Rupi had gone on a group date with friends. She was expecting to have a good time. Her blind date was a friend of the family she thought she could trust. He wanted to take her home but instead he took her to a secluded place. In this unfamiliar place she felt scared and confused about what was going to happen next. After being raped she felt violated because he took her body for granted. She felt an empty pain. She would never be the same with the memories that remained. The shame, the guilt she felt would take a long time for her to heal
Rupi explains her story with conviction where the words become a meaningful artistry of reason. The message she gives explains how awful it must feel to be raped. She compares being raped to having something that you are attached to taken away from you. Rupi explains in her story that rape is a painful experience that makes you lose sight of wanting to trust someone. Rupi explains how long it took for her to overcome the pain of having your personal space violated when every time she dated she remembered what it felt like to be raped. It took Rupi a long time to over come being raped. Being raped is not something that you overcome because once its gone you will not get it back
Rupi tells a story by using images that make the story into a spoken word poem. Rupi uses clever speech to describe a mood or an object with an image. Instead of explaining how painful things were, Rupi uses clever speech to describe the pain. In Rupi’s story the pain becomes visual. Rupi is very articulate in how she explains her story using details that are significate part of conveying her message to an audience. Rupi is good at what she does. She has a gift for her form of story-telling. She is famous because of what she says is important for an audience to hear her story and question to validity of the circumstance. In the beginning the world would be better if we questioned it by being clearer. I identify with Rupi through metaphors and cliches. There is symbolism of cleansing yesterday with a new attitude for life today. We can’t live in the past. Yesterday had become a metaphor for masked identity that sin must be cleansed. Today is the cliche forgive and forget and to move onward. Today we make promises to live our lives in harmony to live healthy. Life’s quest is to be happy. Rupi shares the elegance of surviving a tragic event in her life to communicate the gift of finding inner peace

I do not like to be touched by a man because of the memory of me being raped. If I were to marry, my fiance must promise me to protect our child from joining a street gang, from being a gang banger, from being intoxicated with drugs and alcohol, from being a junkie, to promise to work hard in school, to always study, to always be their best, to never cheat in life, to one day go to college and earn a college degree, promise my child a good job, moral support and to marry the who they love, to not be hookers, to not be raped to not be a striper to be a good kind person who is loving and caring. He must promise to marry me before having intercourse and promise to be there for me, to love me, to care for me, to protect me, to support me and to be understanding of me. It will be then I will learn to trust and forgive and be able to live my life in peace.
There is no way I could be pregnant except by my rapist in my sleep. To forgive is impossible.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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