Anonymous Story: no remorse

Anonymous Story: no remorse

I lost my virginity to a man twice my age, that I had only known a few hours. I finally reported it to dcf and a facility i was in 4 years later. He was friends with my favorite cousin who I had trusted. She basically sold me to him for drug money. She had no remorse, it’s been 5 years, I’ve gone through so much since then. Never really knowing what was wrong with me. Everyone in my family has just found out about what she did. She still isn’t sorry, the bad part is that I don’t expect her to be. I was 12. I should’ve been smarter. I wasn’t though. After it happened I got upset at myself, not with any known reason. I’d cut & burn myself. I wouldn’t eat and I would cry every night. I hated myself so much but with no explanation for it. When I was 14 I started smoking k2 and taking opiates. It made me happy. Sex is something I could never stop thinking about even when I tried. It doesn’t feel good to me, it just kept me from thinking about my problems. I liked being numb. When I was 15 I moved for the 12th time and ended up skipping almost every day of the 1 1/2 months I attended at the highschool. I eventually got caught screwing around with a drug dealer friend. Everyone talks about me because they think I got him in trouble. Alot of people hate me for it, but I was so gone. I don’t know how to explain very well but I just feel like I wasn’t me. I don’t have any clear memories from that time. I ran away a week after that. I ran with a boy I went to a alternative school with almost 2 hours away. His mom & stepdad smoked k2 with us. On the 3rd night I heard his stepdad yelling and hitting the boy’s mom. I cried and begged to go home because I was scared. The boy said I couldn’t because he would get in trouble but that he would take care of me. The next night his stepdad takes us to go get more k2. He rolls up a blunt & passes it to me. I take one hit and relize something’s different. His stepdad turns to me and says “you like that? It’s got crystal in it.” I blacked out. I was awake but I don’t remember a single thing. I woke up to a police shining a light in my face. They handcuffed me and took me to a mental facility because I was so messed up. When I got out my mom was transferring me to a residential. She shows me videos along the was. The boy and his stepdad had done things to me. His stepdad burned me and laughed when i didnt react to the pain.
I don’t remember but I was clearly awake in the videos. He had sent them to all my female contacts on my KIK I had then. My best friend had tracked the message and that’s how I got found. That ride with my mom is when she found out about “T” and my cousin. She wanted me to press charges, she still wants me to. I can’t. I never once put any blame on that cousin, she was my favorite family member. I spent the rest of that year between dcf group homes and 2 residential mental facilitys. I’m 17 now, just lost my first job but I’m still doing good. I have my GED & my first boyfriend that I have real trust and feelings towards. (We’ve been together 10 months) I finally have goals & plans for a good future. I still have bad thoughts about myself but I’ve learned to cope with them instead of just shutting down.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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