Anonymous Story: My Guilt

Anonymous Story: My Guilt

Today I found out rapist are almost always repeat offenders. Three years ago I drank too much on New Years. I was put to bed by a friend at a house party. A guy came in. I knew who he was because I was pushing him away all night. He got on top of me. He tried to kiss me. I think I tried to push him off. I think I said stop. I think I said no. I was saying no to him all night. But he didn’t stop. The bedroom door opened. His friend stood in the doorway and said “dude, get off of her”. But he didn’t. His friend pleaded, saying “common, you know she’s not there. Get out”. But he didn’t. So his friend left… and rallied up a few other of his friends, and they came back in…. and they tried to pull him off of me, and he resisted. I remember they pulled him out of the room by his feet as he protested. Then they shut the door. Maybe there was a fight I outside the bedroom. I don’t know. I was alone in that dark room. About 5 minutes later my best friend came running in. She was sleeping upstairs. Someone had woke her up and said she should go downstairs. I was naked and she hugged me and we just sat on the edge of the bed and cried. But I couldn’t go to sleep because I was so scared he would come in again. A guy we trusted slept on the floor blocking the door, and my friend I locked ourselves in a closet and slept there. In the morning he was still in the house, but no one would say where. None of his friends would say anything to me. I went home and spend January 1st crying all day. Then, I got the phone numbers of one of his friends, and eventually another one, and another one, until I wasn’t texting every one of the guys who pulled the rapist off of me. And I spoke to them all, but none of them would say anything, because they wanted to protect their friend. Eventually I got his phone number. And I confronted him, and he denied everything and said he was just drunk. So I threatened to call the police, and I yelled at him, and I eventually convinced myself that he would never do this to anyone ever again. Then I moved on… and for over a year it was hard to have sex, or to do anything sexual really. I would push away the men that I loved without explanation, and I could never have sex even if I was a little drunk because I would have flashbacks and remember him. But it’s been three years and one month since I was raped and I today I found out that rapists are almost always repeat offenders. And I’m sick to my stomach with guilt that I didn’t do more. I don’t have any of their numbers anymore, or any of their names. But I bet he’s done this to someone else too since then. So, I just want to say, if that woman is you, that I am so so very sorry that I didn’t do more. That I didn’t have the evidence or the courage to stop him. That I didn’t want myna parents or my brother to know that I was raped. That I didn’t want to spend my summer in court. I’m so sorry that I didn’t do more.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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