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Oct 24

Anonymous Story: My Death

Have you ever walked into a room and had every single person stare at you? Have you ever had to walk past them with your eyes glued to the floor because the stares were so intense? Have you ever had to ignore the sound of a thousand whispers? Have you ever just wanted to make it stop? I have. I didn’t want to go there to begin with. I never wanted cornfields. I never wanted dirt roads. I wanted the city. I wanted the loud streets. I wanted breakfast at 3 am at a diner with my friends. I wanted taxicab rides home as the sun came up. But, my parents signed my tuition check and in order for me to go, I had to go where they wanted me to go. After begging to live in Philadelphia for six months, I was sent about two hours west of there, to York, Pennsylvania. After everything that happened, they wanted me to get my fresh start but we will get to that. They probably thought they could send me out in the country, that the whispering pines would tame me. I honestly think they thought if they isolated me in the middle of nowhere, that maybe I wouldn’t ever come back. That I wouldn’t be their problem anymore. Little did we both know, my whole life was about to change? Most people go to college and they find some great person that they love and they experience it together. Four years later, they start a simple life with a backyard wedding and create a family together. This was not my college experience. This was not my happy ending. This was, my death.

Picture this; you are driving down a flat road with nothing but trees beside you. You are in the backseat; boxes on top of boxes are next to you. You smell the crisp fall air as you turn down a road. Your parents are driving you, excited, elated really. The car stops and there is a person there to greet you. To show you were you are going to be living. The boxes move from the car to your room and your parents move from your room to their car. Just like that they drive into the distance, until they are gone. Suddenly you are alone. In a new town, a new state, some people, even a new country. I don’t remember feeling overwhelmed. I just remember feeling bored, that this place was already sucking the life out of me. But, I went outside anyway and I tried. I shook hands with all of my new neighbors and when I got invited to the party, I said yes, if I could back in time that night, if I just would of said no. But I said yes, and an hour into the party I decided to have one drink. It was a shot of 99 bananas. I raised my glass up to the other twenty people in the room and as our cups clanked together and the shots went down our throats, everything changed. Have you ever blacked out? Have you ever felt so lightheaded that everything starts getting spotty with black dots and you need sit down? Have you ever drank too much and only remembered bits and pieces? Have you ever had one shot, one drink and gone completely dark? I have. I wish I had some great story for you, I wish I could tell you what happened in that next hour. Where I went, what I did, who I talked to. Apparently I did a lot. See, the next thing I remember after the shot went down was waking up in a car. My head was on someone’s lap and my eyes fluttered open, my eyelids felt like sandbags. Almost as if I was in comma for 100 years and I opened my eyes for the first time. They were heavy and it was hard to keep them open. I couldn’t make sense of what was going on. I couldn’t get out of the grogginess. I was stuck. My head was in quicksand and it was too late. I tried to lift my head and when I did the person’s lap I was on pushed it back down and I tried to look around , to become aware of my surroundings. All I saw was darkness, and occasionally a quick glimpse of light when we sped past the streetlights. The man I was laying on whispered. ‘Don’t worry, everything will be okay’. Just like that my eyes fell and I went back to black. I wish I could tell you that I was drunk in a car and the guy I was laying on brought me home. I wish I could tell you that there was one person in the car. I wish I could tell you something, anything, then what I am about to tell you. I woke up a little stronger the second time. There were trees all around me in this black forest. As I sat up I looked around, I noticed there were five men sitting in a circle around me. Once I realized how many people were there I knew it was time for me to go, I knew I had to save myself. I used any ounce of energy I had to go. I stood up and I ran, but it wasn’t sprinting, even though it felt like it, it wasn’t even running, it was limping at that point. It was like my whole body was in slow motion. I got down to the river and as I was about to jump in, someone grabbed me by my waist and dragged me back to the circle. They put a gas mask over my face and told me to breathe. I tried not to but as I was gasping for air all I got was smoke. I couldn’t fight, there was nothing left. My body was beyond exhausted and I wasn’t me. anymore After a few breaths the darkness came over me again. I needed a light, any sort of light, anything to help me. But there was no light; it was just the darkness again. The last time my eyes opened I was on a mattress in a living room of a lake house. The mattress was bare and it was on the floor awkwardly in the middle of the living room. I woke up this time, like really woke up. When my eyes opened, all I saw was the camera pointing right at me and a half clothed man standing by the camera. I screamed, I screamed as loud as I could and as soon as he noticed that I could make noise he ran overand put his hands over my mouth. He told me “Shut Up”. He told me that “They would hear me and I would wake them up.” Who are they? I never found that out, who were they? Were they somebody who could of saved me? Were they somebody who could of saved you, from doing this to me? Was there anybody actually there at all? Could somebody have made a difference in this night? Whoever they were, they may have saved my life. Because once I realized that he was afraid of something, I used it to my advantage. Once he released his hand from my mouth, I threatened him. I told him I would scream, that I would wake them up. His face went blank. It’s amazing how quickly the tables can turn when your fears are exposed. I will never forget your face. I could pick you out of a Times Square crowd on New Years Eve. Once I saw the fear in his eyes I pushed him off of me and I left. I walked out of that door and down this pitch-black road and I kept walking. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if a car came out of the darkness, its headlights shining into my eyes. I didn’t care if a mass murder was hiding in the woods. I didn’t care. I just walked and walked down the hill. Down the same hill they drove me up, the same hill where he told me “Everything will be okay”. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel any emotion. I died back there, on the top of that hill. My grave still lies there til this day. I don’t know what time it was or where I was going, I just walked and eventually I was home. I don’t remember lying down but I do remember waking up. There was a loud knock on my dorm door. The woman standing in the doorway was my advisor. Her eyes looked so sad, she looked so sad for me. I had dirt all over me, fully clothed lying on top of my mattress. She asked if I was okay. I couldn’t get my mouth to work. I just stared at her, like a deer in headlights. She asked me what happened. Nothing came out. She asked me if I wanted to tell her what happened. The only thing I could say was “I’m fine”. She asked if I wanted to go to the doctor. I told her it was “Too Late” and I told her “I’m fine”. I know, I should of went. I should have went and I should of talked and I should of told my story. I should of got my revenge, I should of got my peace. But you see the thing is, I died on that hill, there was nothing she could say or I could do to change that. I could not go back in time, I couldn’t go back to the party and not have had that one drink. It was done. I told her I wanted to go to class. It was the first day and I don’t know why but I guess I wanted to pretend nothing happened. I was walking to the shower when she asked me again. I didn’t say anything this time I just walked in and closed the door. We walked to class, in complete silence. My gaze was different now. I just looked ahead, vacant. I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t anxious I felt nothing. I walked up to my math class door and the teacher stopped and welcomed me in. Every single student looked up from his or her textbooks that day. Every single student whispered to the person next to them, “That’s Her” So I took my vacant stare and I walked to my seat. See, after that shot happened, apparently I was really sloppy. I was the girl that got way to drunk on the first night of College. I was the girl that took it too far. Nobody saw me get carried into that car that night. Nobody saw the drug get slipped into my drink. They saw what they wanted to see. They saw the drunken sloppy whore. The girl that the insecure girls can use as a conversation piece. “Hey remember that time we first met, making fun of that drunk girl at the party?”. You’re welcome; I hope your friendships lasted a lifetime. I was also the girl the smart girls didn’t want to become. The ones that probably put down their drink after that and went home to get a good rest for class the next day. I was a different girl to each person there. I wish I could of stood up in front of everyone and defended myself, tell him or her what really happened. That it was just one drink. But, I was stuck in this silence. I felt like I lost my voice, or that maybe my voice just didn’t matter anymore. I existed like this for a few days. I walked to class, I walked home. I didn’t speak much. I slowly started talking again and eventually I stopped hiding. Even though I felt nothing on the inside, I still tried to get through my days. I was eighteen years old when they took my soul away. I am nearly thirty now and I still haven’t gotten it back.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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