I’ve been struggling a lot here lately, a lot of memories have come to the surface. I hadn’t realized that the night all of this started coming back into the light, I had run into one of my perpetrators earlier in the day. I caught a glimpse of him walking by me & I just continued on my day, not thinking twice about it. It took me struggling for a couple of days before I became brave enough to talk to my wife about it. She knew about what had happened, just not the extent of everything. It took so much out of me just to be able to say it out loud.
My first memory was with a family member, I was probably around the age of starting school & it ended around the third or fourth grade with him. He was trusted to watch me and take care of me, so we had quite a bit of alone time together. I remember it happening so much that it was just a normal experience, I thought this was just what was done. I have memories of being completely naked and one of my parents would come home early from work, he would shove me into the bathroom and tell me to get dressed and act normal. It makes me feel completely disgusted to even acknowledge this, but I was touching myself at this age because of the way it made my body feel. I think I struggle with that more than anything. A couple of times, when he would sneak in one me (which happened a lot) he would catch me touching myself & give me a disgusting grin and just walk away. I didn’t realize the connection until last month that when I was around this age I always had UTI’s. I had times that my mom would had to get me completely naked & put baby powder around my privates and sit me in front of a fan, just to get me to stop crying because i was so raw. I peed the bed until I was about 13, but only if I was sleeping in an area that I had been molested, it never happened at other people’s houses.
The next phase of being molested was done to me by one of my brother’s friends. He spent the night with us quite often. I remember him sneaking into my room at night and just lying with me at first. It slowly progressed to him “teaching me how to kiss” & then to him touching me. I remember very clearly playing hide and seek with him and my brother, but my brother just did it to get rid of me, so he never came looking. I would always go hide in my bedroom closet & soon after he would follow. I remember him holding his hand over my mouth and he would start touching me. I don’t remember when this all ended with him.
I have had a memory recently that i had never had before, so I’m not sure how real or accurate it is. I can see someone on top on me, with them holding my mouth shut & they are having intercourse with me. The person doing this is just a blur, I can’t see any details about them, but i can tell where I am & it seems too real to me to be fabricated by my own mind. I am just struggling with the fact of is this true & accurate & has my mind just buried it deep down, or am I crazy & imagining it.
The third instance was with the guy that I ran into & made me bring this all back to the front of my mind.
Fast forward to college, I came home for the weekend & a guy that my brother grew up with had contacted me to hang out. Our conversations were very innocent, so I felt no need to be on alert. His parents were home so we went out for a drive. He was playing really cute songs & I thought maybe this could go somewhere. He pulled over & we just started talking. It escalated very quickly, we were kissing & his hands started to wander. (Keep in mind that i’m a heavyset girl) Before I had any clue what was happening he had yanked my shorts down, he had his fingers inside of me & picked me up and put me in his lap. He was basically holding me down with one arm while he used the other to try to undo his pants. I froze, I couldn’t do anything to get out of the situation, I became so frightened for what was about to happen that I almost let it. Finally, I came back & just started begging him to stop, I was able to wiggle away & get back to my side of the truck with the help of a pissed off shove from him. He drove me back to my car, put it in park and got out, walked inside.He messaged me one day, later in the week, asking what my “deal” was and that’s the last I heard from him.
A couple of months later, I had met a guy on a dating app. We had plans to go to dinner & that was it. I had told my coworkers where I was going, with who & what time. My manager pulled me aside & asked me to please not go, she had a bad feeling. I told her my mind was made up & that i was going, she asked that I just please don’t get into a car with him…you can guess what I did. We met at Cracker barrel & ended up in his car over state lines, just to get ice cream. That night was very nice & innocent. We started officially dating a couple of days later. He knew where I stood on the sex topic, that definitely didn’t stop him from trying. I ended up just giving in, I was tired of fighting it. I don’t put the blame on him for that. He up and left & showed up at my job the next day (2 hours from his house) with a plan B pill, just to make sure I didn’t screw things up for him. We saw each other a couple of times a week & it was never an option if we would have sex, it was just expected. If he knew we wouldn’t have any alone time, he would pull off the side of the road with no warning and pull me into the backseat or outside on the ground. It was just what was expected of me. This was the first serious boyfriend I had ever had, this is just what i thought I was supposed to do so I just dealt with it. There were plenty of times when he knew I didn’t want to, but I didn’t make the rules, he would have his way and just drop me off at my house with no conversation. No emotion, nothing. I was too stupid to open my eyes and realize that I was not in a healthy relationship. He dumped me after he was “tired” of me, his excuse was that I was just too fat and he wasn’t the least bit attracted to me anymore. One of the worst feelings, but biggest blessings.
That sent me into a downward spiral, I went looking for love in every guy I met or talked to, I wanted so badly to have someone love & care for me, no matter what the cost. Then, I thought, maybe I should have a one night stand, maybe I would get pregnant & finally have someone who needed & would love me. I was desperate. I was hurting. I had plans to meet up with this guy in another state, someone who I knew I wouldn’t ever have to run into. I had told my coworkers that I had plans to meet with this nice guy in another state. They all kind of freaked out on me. Some girls went to my friend to try and talk me out of it. My manager decided to have me work open to close, so I couldn’t meet him at the decided meeting time. I spent the night with my friend, she didn’t really give me a choice & that’s when I finally started my road to happiness.
She sat me down & flat out asked what was going on with me. She just had a gut feeling that things weren’t okay. She looked me in the eye and asked who had done something to me when I was younger. She knew because she had been there. That’s the first time I ever acknowledged what had happened to me when I was younger. I found someone who my soul just connected to. She helped me begin my path to healing. She is the reason behind the person I am today. I fell in love with everything about her. She was brought into my life at the perfect time, for the perfect reason. I am forever grateful for her & her caring heart. Four years later & I can finally open up & tell her what happened. I am finally strong enough to share my story. I am trying my best to truly heal & I feel like this is something I needed to do to reach the final steps to love & accept myself. I have found someone who loves & accepts me unconditionally & she is helping me to feel the same way about myself. I couldn’t be happier to know that unhealthy relationships are behind me. I have my wife now & she is all I need! It Finally Ended!