Anonymous Story: Just Watch

Anonymous Story: Just Watch

He was eighteen, handsome, giving me attention and going to be in the army. Why wouldn’t a fourteen year old girl have a crush on him? I was a freshman and he a senior in high school. I don’t remember how we met but it was at school. He lived up the road from me and we would both ride the bus. Until he got a truck.

We would text a lot. He would say inappropriate things to me that I didn’t think anything of at the time. I thought he liked me. I’d never had a boy this cute like me or pay this much attention to me. I like you turned into I love you, and I believed him. Now I know it was all for one thing.

He would sometimes ride the bus even though he had a truck. One day, he had me sit by him on the back of the bus. He held my hand, and then put it in his pants. The other kids on the bus knew what we were doing. Well, they thought I was playing with him in his pants. I wasn’t. He forced it there. I felt so uncomforable but I didn’t want to seem like a prude or uncool. So I pretended I was fine. Id never touched anyone before. We got off the bus and we walked together for a short time. He kissed me goodbye. I went home and he texted me telling me everything I wanted to hear. I thought, wow he really loves me.

That’s when he started asking me for naked photos. He would send me pictures of him with his shirt off. It progressed to pictures of his penis. Then to videos of him masturbating. He begged me for naked pictures. I ended up sending him them because I thought I could trust him and that he loved me. The filthy messages continued for an entire school year.
During the last few months of my freshman year, we would walk together though the neighborhood.

There was and still is a water tower on the top of the hill above both of our houses. One day he took me up there and made me feel like I was so special. He promised he’d never taken any girl there before. We would kiss sometimes. This time he was kissing me and he kept pushing on my head. He was trying to get me to suck on him. I resisted. Although, durring this I would laugh. It was as if I thought it was funny, even though I really didn’t like it at all. I ended up giving him oral sex but I pulled away every couple of seconds. I struggled but while laughing. I didn’t want him to be mad at me. Maybe he thought I was teasing him. That was the first time he said it “Just watch”.

I can’t even count how many different times this exact thing happened. After school we’d go up to the water tower or to his house. Repeat. “Just watch” he’d say. He wanted to “teach me”, to “show me what to do”. To this day I feel so dumb for going with him all those times. I started to distance myself but it was hard. How could I? He was so nice to me. He loved me. Gosh, I was dumb.

I would mention him randomly to my parents even. He would always talk about how he was going into the army durring the summer. I thought that was the coolest thing. I remember saying to my dad a couple of times something about “my army man”. That’s all I ever said about him. It never went any further than that because just when I started to mention him. It happened.

That July, three weeks before my birthday, we met up at the water tower. I was wearing a black tee shirt and black and white shorts. He started kissing me and one thing led to the next. He pressed me against the water tower. The back of my clothes got a white chalky powder all over them from the water tank. I remember trying to wipe it off while he was pressing me against the wall.

He pulled down my shorts and underwear and I tried to pull them back up. He was strong. He bent down and put his mouth on my vagina. He kept doing it as I said to stop and was pushing him away. I broke free from him and managed to get to the other side of the wall. He trapped me again and pressed me against the wall facing him. “Just watch” he said. He flipped me over so my chest and stomach were pressed agaisnt the wall. He pulled my pants back down and forced his penis inside me. I struggled and told him to stop and begged him please. I remember how bad it hurt for the first minute or two. Then I felt nothing. Everything turned to slow motion. I stopped resisting. I knew it was only making him happier to watch me fight. I just let him continue. I just stayed there pressed up against the wall. Limp, not fighting. I waited for him to finish.

When he was done, he acted like nothing bad had just happened. He acted like I liked it. I wasn’t crying or sad. I was happy. I was happy that he was done and I was free. He kissed me and said he had to get home for some reason I can’t remember. I walked home thinking to myself “I am not a virgin anymore”. I repeated it over and over in my mind as I walked home. When I got home, my parents were gone. No one was there. The last memory I have was seeing the blood in my underwear and shorts.

I went on with my life without telling anyone for about four years. I’ve told my husband. I still feel ashamed and it haunts me. I still have a hard time with sex. I am 21 now and I still have moments where I break down and cry for hours about what he did to me. Sometimes I feel l am somewhat to blame. I don’t even think he knows how much he hurt me. I never saw him again after that. I have passed by him three times driving where he never saw me. Then once at my work where he was working for a lawn company moving.

The last time I saw him we made eye contact. He was leaving the clinic and I was going into the clinic. My mom was with me and I started crying histericly. It was the most painful moment. I ended up telling her a very simple explanation as to why I was crying. She asked me “who was that?”. I said ” a very bad guy, he made me do things.” She said “what did he make you do?”. I just said “everything.”

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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