Anonymous Story: I Didn’t Know It Was Rape

6 years ago I was 16. Living in a small town on the coast of the UK. I was a pretty naive kid, innocent. Never had the attention of a boy. That’s when he came into the picture, a guy at school in my year noticed me. I was smitten. He was the good guy, a artist, sophisticated kind of person. The pupil who was loved by everyone. I admit, there were a few red flags, but I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. The fact he said he hit his mum once, he had a ‘crazy dream’ one night where he raped me. We joked about it.
I wasn’t ready for anything sexual, but it didn’t stop him from fondling me and gradually progressing to him putting his hand up my skirt. That was the first time I remember shutting off, feeling his fingers digging into me, but nothing else, no tears, I don’t even remember breathing. Just blank.
A few weeks of this happening I broke it off. My stomach told me it wasn’t right, but “ hey all young boys do this right? They push the boundaries. Boys will boys. “ The excuses I told myself.
It was awkward for a while. We were in the same social circle but didn’t really talk.
A few weeks passed and he came up to me. He wanted us to still me friends, and asked if I wanted to come over to just hang out like we used to in the beginning.
His big sister was home and we were meeting friends down at the beach later.
We had the tv on and he lent over to kiss me.
The feeling of being wanted was too much to resist. I wanted to be loved.
Then the familiar routine of his hands run over me, and his hands slide down my pants. I remember noticing he didn’t kiss me this time.
I felt something was off. So I excused myself to get my bag from his room, so we could get ready to see our friends.
I walked into his room and heard the door shut. Nothing could happen, his sister was upstairs.
He walked over to me and kissed me, it felt different. Forceful
He looked at me and then pulled my school uniform off. “It’s fine, he’s seen my in my underwear before” I thought.
He put me on his bed and just kissed for a while. Then he asked if I wanted sex. I said I’d probably make him pull out, I thought it would deter him. And it worked. He rolled his eyes and said ok.
A sense of relief washed over me. In that moment I thought he really did love me, he respected me enough to listen to me.

He pushed me off and on my knees on the floor. He grabbed my hips and asked me again, his face close. I said the same thing, confused. He shook me and dug his finger nails, and asked me again. I didn’t know if he heard me. So I said it again, but he shook me harder and sternly kept asking me. He said he wasn’t taking no as an answer. I don’t know how many times he kept asking me, I just didn’t know what to say and I realised anything I said didn’t matter. He was going to have sex with me.
I don’t know how long it was until I looked at him and just nodded my head as I said ok.
He stood me up. Put me on the bed. Took off my underwear, and then raped me. I always imagined my first time with romantic kisses and delicate, gentle touches. He didn’t even look at me.
I remember he was being pretty rough and my leg slipped. My eyes looked at his face and just seeing pure anger.
I expected him to hit or choke me, but he violently thrust into me, satisfied with my welp of pain.
It felt like I disappeared into the mattress, that I was stuck there, that this was really happening. Then I disconnected.
I vaguely remember getting dressed and his slapping my face with the used condom, making some joke.
I went to the beach with him. Saw my friends, then walked home.
My mum asked me if I was ok, and I just collapsed into a heap of tears.

I never told her that I thought he raped me. I just thought it was sex I regretted.
It was 5 years and in a therapy session when I realised this was rape.
I’m still trying to figure things out, and to truly understand everything.

But I wanted my experience to say to all those who doubt themselves, to listen to their gut. Your instinct is always right. I just wished I had listened to mine.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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