Anonymous Story: I didn’t even know it was rape — until now

Anonymous Story: I didn’t even know it was rape — until now

I was a troubled 12-year-old boy from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was 8. My anger issues got me in a world of trouble. I was constantly making trips to the principal’s office at school. I didn’t want to be around either of my parents, so I ran away a few times. I was athletic and played sports, so many times I’d ride my bike to the nearest gyms and play basketball and soccer at all hours of the day when not spending time in the principal’s office at school.

I grew close to one of my teachers. She would comfort me and listen to all of my problems. But then, she would make flattering comments about my appearance. She would say how handsome she thought I looked and even made specific comments about my features. This made me feel very good for the first time in a long time. To boot, she’s a dancer and had the look any tween boy would drool over.

One day she held me after class and asked if I wanted to move in with she and her husband. I immediately said yes to get away from the life I was living. For the first week, nothing was out of the ordinary. Then one day she walked into the bathroom as I was getting out of the shower. She act startled and said she was sorry. She said she was just going get a towel and didn’t realize I was about to get out. I told her it was OK. No big deal. That’s when things too a turn. She said, “Oh. You don’t mind me seeing you naked?” I told her no.

That’s when she made a move. She told me I looked sexy and said she never thought abs on young boy would turn her on like I did. She reached down and fondled my penis. She then took my hand and led me to her bedroom. She showed me a couple porn videos while giving oral sex. I was so high from excitement and nervousness that I barely realized what was happening. It was an out-of-body experience. Then, she told me to imitate the man in the videos and do that to her. I did and had sex with her. No condom. After that, it became a regular occurrence. We sometimes would have unprotected sex three times a day, and eventually her husband joined in. We would have threesomes on occasion. I was living a tween boy dream, or so I thought.
Hindsight says differently.

I even asked her one time what would happen if she got pregnant by me, but she said I was still too young to produce a baby. I believed her and continued to believe her for a long time. She and her husband moved after 8 months, so I moved in with my cousin. My teacher said they had to move because of a new job offer, and of course I believed it. But now living in a new home where I couldn’t say what had been happening and having to hide strong sexual urges, I was again miserable. I couldn’t focus and got depressed. I had a few fights at school and got expelled a year. I got hooked on porn and couldn’t stop.

Needless to say, I began living a very promiscuous teen life. I’m currently 19 with 2 kids — a 4-year-old boy and 2-year-old girl. About a year ago, I finally opened up about some things with a professional counselor. I’ve been working hard at getting my life together. I’ve stayed out of trouble at school. I have a 3.1 GPA. I currently play basketball, soccer, and tennis for my high school. I also am a writer for the school newspaper.

I have not told anyone specific details about who did those things to me. I’m afraid to face my old teacher again and re-live all of it. What seemed like a fairy tale life has ruined my life. But what happened recently has me fearful.

My aunt works as a substitute teacher at an elementary school about 75 miles from where I live. One day she texted me and sent me the picture of a little boy at the cafeteria table, and she says, “Aww this little boy reminds me of you when you were little.” My heart sank and shock waves went down my spine. In the back of my mind, I had always feared they moved because of a pregnancy. I had my aunt ask what his name was, and his last name matches my ex-teacher’s. My aunt has no idea what happened, and I can’t tell her what happened for her to get more details about the boy.

I found an old picture of when I was 6, and we almost look identical. I’m currently trying to figure out the next step. I’m so numb and don’t feel like facing this.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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