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Nov 02

Anonymous Story: He didn’t even take the tampon out

I was 18, and it was my freshman year of college. He was some guy that I had met once before at a frat party. He invited me to a pool party that day. I went, got drunk, had fun, and everything was fine. He Facebook messaged me inviting me over after I had just left the party. I showed up to his place with a friend of mine and this is where my memory starts to fade. Apparently he had just gotten out of the shower and was cleaning up and had decided to order my friend an Uber back so we could be alone. I remember being down to make out with this guy, but I didn’t want to have sex. I was on my period and remember thinking I could use that as my excuse to not have sex. I have vague memories of making out with him on his bed and a vague feeling that I had told him before hand that I didn’t want to have sex, (but I don’t fully remember that part so I’m not going to hold him to it.) I’m not really sure if I was conscious or not, because all I remember next is the sensation of pain, very severe intense pain. I could barely control my own body and felt like a limp noodle. The entire room was spinning and my eyes sort of fluttered as they started to roll towards the back of my head. I looked forward and started to process what’s going on in front of me. I saw my naked body sprawled across his bed. I saw him inside of me… I managed to get out a “Stop, this hurts. Stop, you’re hurting me” as I tried to push him away from me. But you see when you’re barely coherent this doesn’t come out as aggressively as intended. Due to this, I wasn’t sure if I expected him to stop right away or if he’d need a more assertive tone to realize I was serious. But what I definitely didn’t expect him to do was what he did. That’s why I was taken aback when he clasped his hands onto my hips and pulled me closer to him as he continued to aggressively jack hammer me. It was so painful, and it was evident on my face. I was confused as to why he didn’t understand that I was in pain and wanted him to stop. “Stop, please stop” I said in the firmest voice I could for someone who was so drunk they could barely form words. I felt those same hands that had dragged me towards him grab hold of my body again as he flipped me over. I remember the feeling of his hands on my bare skin as he angled my hips towards the air, bringing a pit to my stomach. I remember looking back and seeing him tear open a new condom because apparently the other one had broken. Then he went back to what he was doing and continued jack hammering like before. He was doing his own little thing while I was there trapped. Again I tried to get him to stop and let out another “Stop. This hurts, please stop.” He didn’t even look in my direction and just continued to hump me like an empty sock. I let my head fall back forward, as everything continued to spin. My head/ neck was pressed deep into the pillow angled to the left. The only sensory input I could feel was pain. Physical pain, so bad I felt as if someone was trying to rip me open from inside of my own body. The jack hammering motion he seemed so fond of didn’t help. In way it became numb. But a weird kind of numbness to where you can still feel but only pain (and not really a specific feeling just general pain in that area). As I physically became numb I mentally did too. At a certain point I just felt like a lifeless sack, There was nothing left of me. No fear/ desperation anymore, but no good either. It was just nothingness. In a way I think I had accepted what was happening and that there was nothing I could do to change it. I had no control of the situation and no control of my body (I had almost felt as if I had left my own body). But at this point it wasn’t really even my body anymore. It was his. He had control of it, and that’s all it I was to him. A body. A limp lifeless body. It felt as if he had taken my humanity away from me, as if I wasn’t even a person anymore, as if I was just a thing. From here my memory starts to fade out again, and just remember the feeling of the fast rhythmic thud of him inside me. I remember at some point being in his bathroom after the fact, and my vagina felt raw. It burned/ stung so badly I could barley move without tears coming to my eyes. He didn’t even take my fucking tampon out. I remember having to reach up inside myself trying to find the tampon. I was finally able to get it out, but it was folded in half bent up against my cervix. It was so physically painful, that I could barely sit for a week. This was my first memory of sex, and for a long time I was afraid of men, and had actually experienced physical responses to some of this fear, (something that was new to me) such as hyperventilating, becoming paralyzed and unable to move, subtle yet uncontrollable shaking, and more. I later came to find out that a lot of these responses and changes in my behavior stemmed from PTSD, which I was just recently diagnosed with. I was an extremely lighthearted, fun, easygoing person before this and the fact that he stole that from me is what angered me the most. Now about two years later, I’m fine most of the time (and I actually see him around campus quite often this year and am usually okay), but I still have days where it comes up and just consumes my thoughts. It’s a process, and I blamed myself for a long time somehow thinking I wasn’t clear enough when I said stop, but I’m healing and want others out there to know that you’re not alone and that no matter what I believe you!

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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