Anonymous Story: Don’t Know If It’s a Big Deal Or Not

Anonymous Story: Don’t Know If It’s a Big Deal Or Not

I was not raped. I dont know what it is. Disrespected mainly. But it still hurts a lot as if I did get raped. My stepdad started little by little. He would lightly put his hand on my butt around the age of 12. He would do that after we were done talking and not even look at me. Acting like that was innocent. He would do it in front of my mom too. I finally said I didn’t like that. And he said Okay all you had to do was say so. My mom was in the room and proceeded to tell me a story of how her uncle would kiss her cheek and finally told him to stop and it wasnt a big deal. I was in complete shock everytime he would touch my butt. Nobody in my family ever did that! I never even saw him do that to my mom so I dont know how my mom saw that as normal? One time we went on vacation and went to a pool. My stepdad was throwing my sister into the pool and I thought it looked fun so i asked him to throw me too. It was fun until he had his hand on my boob then squeezed it! I was so disgusted! I ran so fast out of the water and to the locker to put my clothes on. He rushed after me and asked what was wrong. WHATS WRONG. Are you serious??? I told him I didnt like him touching me because it gave him pleasure. He said that it was just a coincidence that his hand was there so he might as well squeeze it. As if that was a fucking joke to me?? He looked upset that I got upset. I bet he was scared I was going to tell my mom and after that we just got ice cream and went back to the hotel room. I kept quiet of course, Ive always been like that. Im 21 now and I still havnt told anyone. I want to tell my mom so bad because I know she would believe me and all that but we would have nowhere to live if they divorced. I hate that im making my mom live with a fake mindset that her husband wouldn’t do those things. One time she went on vacation with my siblings and I stayed home because im scared of planes and my stepdad was home too because he had to work. my mom was so scared that i was alone with him for a week. i told her i was fine but one day he made me an alcoholic drink and told me to finish it just because he wanted to be the first person i drank with. I knew it didnt seem right to drink alone with him so i refused and he said okay ill finish it. WTF how does that even seem innocent of him. I drank when my mom was home a tiny bit but I didnt feel comfortable he did that. As I was going through puberty my chest grew before the girls my age and I never showed them off I hated them and would hide under hoodies. But he would always make comments about how big they were and thought it was funny. Like dont fucking look at me not even my own dad has disrespected me like that ever! It makes me so sad how i cant tell anyone or else everything will fall apart, right? Does this seem like it was all in my head?? Because other than those times, he seems like a decent person. Ive lived with him since i was 10-21 and still do. Maybe he wanted to see how far he could get? But im still disgusted anytime I see him and i hate carrying around this hate for him. Should i confront him?? Im so scared of the outcomes. But i really suppressed these memories for so long and now i just cry myself to sleep wondering if he was thinking of raping me :(

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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