It was my ex. My first boyfriend I ever had. The first boy I ever really liked. He was a year older than me. He always appeared so charming. So when he took interest in me I felt so special.
He was my first kiss. I was 14 when he first kissed me. Even kissing felt wrong to me. The first time he ever touched me, I didn’t know what to do. I began to cry. It felt wrong but I was frozen. He continued to touch me till he was done. He never apologized to me. But I felt so guilty.
That’s how things started but it began to escalate. He would began to pressure me give him handjobs and perform oral sex. I started to tell him no, and I didn’t want to. But he would force my head down, or say if I loved him I would. It didn’t matter that I said no or was crying. He wouldn’t stop until he was done. Afterwards he would apologize for it, and say he didn’t mean to.
During this time he also became very controlling, he wouldn’t let me talk to any other guys and anytime I had money he would take it. I felt like I had no control over my life. During this time I developed an eating disorder.
The first time I had sex, I just did it. I didn’t really feel anything emotionally. But he kept asking so I just agreed.
Afterwards I told him I didn’t want to do it again. The day after I left for the summer.
Over the summer, I began to feel like myself again. I tried to break up with him one day, and he began to yell at me over the phone and he told me he would kill himself. I was scared that he would hurt himself. So I felt trapped.
When I got back from that summer, he invited me to visit his family camping. I was certain my parents would say no. So I asked but to my dismay they let me. Right when I got there he kept touching me and I would tell him no.
At one point we were alone, and he wouldn’t let me leave the camper. He pushed me onto the bed, and I told him no. He didn’t listen to me. He pulled down my pants, and he did what he wanted.
I felt so numb. He would do whatever he wanted with my body. I would tell him no, I would cry, but he didn’t care. I prayed the one day someone would catch him, and they would see the tears streaming down my face. I just wanted it to stop. I didn’t know what to do.
This only ended when one day he broke up with me for someone else. They weren’t broken like how he broke me.
Did I let this happen??? Was it my fault?