I’ve been raped many times, so many times i cannot even count. I’ve had sex with 40 guys and they have been everything from sweet and charming to downright horrendous. My first boyfriend, [J], used the favors he did or outings we went on as collateral for sex that I did not want to have. Acquiescing was the only way i knew how to placate him and make him happy, otherwise suffer his temper and blame. He was very controlling and did lots of drugs, i ended up doing lots of drugs too and drugs were another way he could manipulate me. I ended the relationship after 3 years when i got a bacterial vaginosis infection from all the dry, painful sex we were having and he not only kept demanding sex but made fun of the odor from the infection.
My next boyfriend and i were together while i was homeless and his name was [O]. He was a traveller too, like me, and did not hurt me too badly except kept me on a string and did not want to be with me very much except when he wanted sex. A few times he did use sex as punishment, thrusting into me too deeply and hurting my pelvic muscles with his penis. After a few years of dating he became mad when I got a car and began telling me to “go f**k” myself, after which point I dropped him.
My third and last boyfriend was a guy who goes by the name [A]. He used sexual and emotional leverage to keep me trapped in a very unrewarding and painful relationship with him. He would have sex with me so rough that i bled out of my vagina. He never wanted to hear me talk at all and would say things in a very threatening manner like “keep talking.” He hit me once after which point i left him.
Through the years i have been with a number of guys, including the father of my baby. My son is now living happily in the home of his adoptive parents who are taking excellent care of him. His father is a random meth addict who i came across one fateful day when exploring under a bridge. I was scared to leave and he had offered me some weed, so i felt obligated to have sex with him. After that day I never saw him again. He gave me not only a pregnancy but herpes and HPV.
My number is high because i gave myself to these men for next to nothing. I made no demands. I offered a sacrifice. Many of them took advantage of the fact that i was homeless and drug addicted. They didn’t try to help me, only wanted to use me or worse, drag me further into drug addiction so that they could use me over and over.
My health isn’t what it used to be after all of these encounters. I feel sick and tortured much of the time. My body hurts all over, my legs experience weakness, i experience strange and ugly sensations in my throat and abdomen that i cannot figure out or remedy. I am a psychological mess, afraid of the world around me and not in the mood to venture and go out as much as i used to. My quality of life has been diminished by my interactions with men, and this is why i chose to share my story. Also in hopes of improving my quality of life and to eliminate the painful sensations from within by venting.
I don’t know if my pain is further exacerbated by my long and painful relationship with my mother, who beat me all through my childhood, but hope to work through these painful feelings one by one until i can regain a semblance of my former health.