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Oct 23

Anonymous Story: Apparently not all victims matter

I was 13 when i first was molested. I had just joined the local Judo-Group and no idea how to wear the Judo GI.

An older Boy (maybe 15-16) offered to help me with the Outfit and the belt. I was Young and naive so i didn’t even consider why it was weird, that he wanted to help me with the Outfit in the bathroom.

Before anything could happen, except for me having to smell his horrible breath, someone else entered the bathroom though. They might had already suspected something or it was sheer luck. But to be honest, i don’t care what saved me from that guy.

From this day on i was able to tie my belt myself and the guy never approached me again. I also never thought about it again, because it was a single Situation i might even have exaggerated in my mind.

The next time definitely wasn’t though.

I was 21 years old when i drove 450 km (280 miles) for a Job interview. I knew that it would be late, so i asked a friend i knew from an online Chatroom, if i could sleep at her place.

I had visited a lot of people i had met online for years and always had a lot of fun. In this chatgroup we knew each other and i really didn’t think about any risks.
In the past i had talked with her online, flirted, even had phonesex once, but to me it was clear, that I just needed a place to sleep and someone i knew to talk to and have a nice evening.

Unfortunately she didn’t feel that way. When i entered her flat, everything went fine. We talked, we laughed. But the athmosphere drastically changed when i told her, that i would sleep on her couch.

She shouted at me, that i definitely would NOT sleep on her Couch, but in her bed. I wanted to talk back, but i couldn’t. I suddenly realized, that she was taller and heavier than me, or at least in this moment appeared to be.
I was shocked and i was scared. I didn’t know how to respond. I was afraid she would, at best, throw me out of her flat or at worst beat me up. So i just nodded and said ok.

Later in bed she started kissing me. It was the worst kiss i ever had to endure, but i kissed back, because what was the alternative?
She went down on me and had Sex with me. I just tried to get it over with as fast as possible and then sleep as soon as possible so it would just be over soon.

It worked. The next morning came and i never spoke to her ever again. I didn’t answer her messages, her calls.. i just couldn’t stand thinking about it.
Especially because i blamed myself.

Of course she had expected to have Sex with me after our flirting before.
I probably wanted it too because i kissed her back and i didn’t fight back but went the “might as well try to enjoy it”-route when the Sex happened.

This was 14 years ago and I had locked the experience away in the back of my head. I was more careful in the future. “Don’t create false hopes and you’ll be fine”. “Just make sure you have a plan B and you’ll be fine”

It wasn’t until the Hastag #metoo surfaced, when i realized… that what had happened was not ok. I did not provoke her into thinking Sex would be OK and what i wanted.
I didn’t kiss her back because i was horny, but because i was scared.

It all came back to me and it finally hit me. I had been raped.

#metoo gave me the opportunity to finally realize what had happened and to finally speak out. “I was raped by a woman”.
But the reactions i received were shocking as well.

I learned that my opinion didn’t matter. That in fact i was not a rape-victim. Because my problem is….

I am Male

I didn’t share the whole experience, but i did share enough and the reactions was heartbraking.

“THIS IS ONLY ABOUT WOMEN!”
“Men can’t be raped”
“How can a woman rape a man?”
“Why do men only speak out right now?”
“You probably wanted/enjoyed it”

Suddenly i realized why i had never allowed to see what had happened as rape. I was not allowed to.
It doesn’t matter if a Penis can be stimulated to become hard and easily inserted if you just sit on it.
It doesn’t matter, that a man can be physically and mentally intimidated by a woman.

The only thing that mattered for some people was, that i was male and therefore am not allowed to call myself a rape victim.

I’m sharing this story the way i do, because i want to show that rape is not gender-specific. It’s not a matter of men against women. It’s a matter of people abusing their power. By declaring men can’t be victims and women can’t be culprits, be just cause a divide which helps cement the everyday sexism.

Women are way more likely to suffer from abuse. Most likely by men. And sexism is so ingrained into our Society, that we often don’t even realize, that we are being sexists.
And if #metoo showed us one thing, then that we have to fight this battle together.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

Permanent link to this article: http://whenyoureready.org/anonymous-story-apparently-not-all-victims-matter/