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Jun 15

Anonymous Story: A Nightmare That Won’t Ever Fade

I don’t know where to begin. There is so much to say. As i even think about letting my fingers type my thoughts, Im growing to become more tense and more scared. There is so much that i want to say but i can’t put it into words. I am not even able to say certain words or even think about those words. It happened to me. My worst nightmare. I was dating someone for over three and a half years. it was always up and down. When we were good, i felt that we were good. But he always had a problem. I tend to not want to remember/not remember a lot of it. I remember fighting and defending myself on the regular. He was so insecure. He always was jealous and always started an argument because ” i was at fault for saying hi to an old guy friend who grew up with me” or i was at fault it was me me me. All the problems i was blamed for. The first arguments were first name calling. I forgave him and and allowed him to come back into my life. I used to never ever let anyone degrade me or call me names but “he was just mad, he didn’t mean them” he “didn’t know” what he was saying. He “apologized” for the nasty words and things said. He was controlling. He would follow me, have eyes on me everywhere. Know when i was on social media the very second i posted something. He always thought everything was about him. it was a disaster. i see it clearly now. At the time i was naive. i thought he loved me and would change. he was three years younger,a high school drop out. I was 21. in college, smart, had a whole life ahead of me. I used to get bombarded at the library. he used yo know where i was at an show up to make me feel uncomfortable or argue with me. He wanted me all to himself. he would put me down consistently. I was wrapped up into now that i know, emotional and psychological abuse. I couldn’t believe i let me self stay in this situation. the old me would never allow that. the arguments became more frequent and was putting a damper on my life my smiles turned into frowns. i had so many medical issues due to stress. Long story short. we were on and off. I always tried to leave him and get rid of him but he would manipulate me into believing he has changed and i didn’t have a heart if i didn’t talk to him. it was all mental games coming from a psychotic person.I was a V. i can’t even spell the word out with out cringing. I have not done anything to him either. I was saving myself until marriage. anyone who knew me, knows me. I never was much of a drinker either. I hate alcohol. Im a light weight and really hate the feeling of that and it just makes my stomach.The night of my real-life nightmare was the night of my 25th birthday night out. I was drunk, i remember bits and pieces, i remember screaming fighting for my life. I remember my legs feeling pinned down. I remember crying so hard and screaming Please “no” I don’t want to do this. Please. the pain i felt i will never remember, i was numb. weak. I felt like my body couldn’t respond. I remember the smell of leather. I remember reaching for my phone trying to dial the last person who i had called and my phone was no where to be found.I can’t get myself to go into detail. I just can’t right now. I went tot he emergency care clinic the next day. I told the two “friends” who were involved in this. I went to the doctor as well a few weeks after.multiple of times. I went to my church broken, asking for help. I went to the police. gave them all the evidence the, doctors notes, visits, i had a detective who went through all the messages,the social media mocking me, the admission of what he had done. “saying he wished he took it back” so much evidence. the first states attorney took my cause and needed hard copies of all the doctors visits, the notes, my two witnesses, his confession, our conversations. everything. the second states attorney that came the second time to get official recording of the witnesses and myself withdrew. She said ” bacterial infection given to you after the r could have causes the irritation the discomfort, and the pain and swelling” my doctor said she was willing to come and talk and tell them that its common for that to happen after an assault like that. my detective was awesome. He was so upset he filed a complaint on that states attorney, but i still haven’t heard anything back. I did however manages to get a restraining order. I don’t understand the legal system. All the evidence, all the work put in, and you let someone like that free? I know i’ll never get an answer, And this is about me. not him. He took everything away from me, my innocence, happiness, trust, and life away from me. I suffer from extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and post traumatic stress. I don’t know how, but i will overcome this. its been almost a year since my attack. I refuse to allow any more of my life go. I know this is a hard journey for me and one day i want to be able to talk about it and not cringe at the wording or my heart races thinking about even a word, or have nightmares and pain. I know that day will come and that’s what im looking towards.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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