Anonymous Story: A lifetime of triggers

Anonymous Story: A lifetime of triggers

I was 5.
Maybe 6?
I don’t recall the exact age but I do vividly recall the feeling. Being pinned downed, feeling him on me, his moans and heavy breathing.
It wasn’t until I decided to have consensual sex with my first boyfriend and suddenly I was triggered with no warning. My poor boyfriend. He didn’t do anything wrong. We planned and talked about being intimate for weeks, months before. And yet unknowningly to us, the night we felt that we were ready, it all came to ruin as I was triggered, violently. My boyfriend stopped immediately, being confused and terrified. We tried to make sense why I was screaming and desperately needing to get away.
I sought pirvate therapy which only my boyfriend knew about. What followed was the discovery of memories involving 2 years of molestation that I somehow suppressed for more than a decade.
I was angry. What he did to me back then, how it affected me now, it affected people who loved me, it affected me for decades more. It wouldn’t be another 15 years before I felt comfortable enough to trust someone intimately. To trust myself that I wouldn’t be triggered. Still today I worry. Today I still must have the talk with my partners on how I might be triggered without warning. My partners are caring and loving, but I hate that I feel ruined to them. I hate that I hold a deep fear of men that gnaws at the back of my mind whenever I walk alone. A lifetime of hate and fear because of one person decided to that he had the right to use my body without my consent.
A lifetime of being triggered.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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