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Mar 24

Anna’s Story: I Didn’t Think Twice

I was 17 when he drove me out to the woods.
It was a sunny summer afternoon and we were good friends, so I never thought twice.
I never thought twice when he came to my house with a fifth of gin and mixed the whole thing with a liter of Ruby Red Squirt.
I also didn’t think twice when he encouraged me to start drinking on the way to….who knows where.
I didn’t think twice about that either.
It was an adventure and I was bored.
I was definitely not sexually attracted to him.

It’s remarkable how quickly you can chug a fifth of gin when it’s mixed with Ruby Red Squirt.
I think he knew that.
He also knew that I liked to drink and I liked to drink in the woods.

We’d been spending a lot of time together that summer, so it wasn’t strange for us to go on a drive.
It wasn’t even strange to go on a drive on a back road outside of town.
That’s what teenagers did in my small town and the more I drank, the more I relaxed.

I didn’t think twice when he started massaging my shoulders down by the creek.
I probably even encouraged his hands to slip forward down my breasts.
If felt good to be touched and I was very, very relaxed.

Somehow we moved from the creek to a patch of dirt sprinkled with pine needles under the shade of of the giant trees.
Somehow I ended up on my back and he ended up on top of me.
And then he unbuttoned my pants and then he pulled them down.
And then he put himself inside me.
It took three thrusts and then finally, finally I thought twice.

I may have been intoxicated but I KNEW this was not what I wanted.
I asked him to stop, and unlike so many other stories, he actually did.
Because of this, I never considered it rape.
I still don’t even know what to call it.
But I know it wasn’t right.
I know it wasn’t consensual and I know he took advantage of me.

I decided to play it cool because I was too proud to even think of that possibility.
I found out at the end of summer that he and a buddy were having a contest to see who could have sex with the most girls.
I brushed that off. My pride couldn’t handle it.
I continued to spend time with him and thankfully it never happened again, but I never once had the desire to have sex with him, not before, not after.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

Permanent link to this article: http://whenyoureready.org/anna/