Amber Lee’s Story: He Anally Raped Me

Amber Lee’s Story: He Anally Raped Me

He was my boyfriend. We had a lot of sex—but usually at his parents’ because mine forbade us to in their house. I’d invited him over and since we weren’t allowed in my bedroom, we decided to watch a movie in the family room. Our ritual was to snuggle up a the couch under a blanket, usually with him spooning me. It was one of my favorite things to do.

On that day, I had my period, so even if we ended up alone, we couldn’t have sex. It was too messy, not my favorite thing. As the movie progressed, I felt him press hard against me. There was nothing I could do for him. My mom and sister were in other rooms on the same floor. I felt bad though and knew he’d most likely end up in the bathroom, taking care of himself. Then he suggested we try anal sex.

We’d discussed this before. I’d said no. I wasn’t comfortable with it. I was afraid it would hurt. So once again I told him no, I didn’t want to. He persisted. He was petulant and coaxing, rubbing himself against me. He wouldn’t drop it.

I should’ve gotten up. I should’ve told him to get out. But he was my boyfriend, my first love. I wanted to please him.

I relented and he pulled my bottoms down. He forced himself inside me without lubrication. It was incredibly painful. At first I tried to just go along with it, but I couldn’t bear it any longer. I told him to stop. He did not.

I should’ve hit him. I should’ve screamed for help. But I was embarrassed that I’d let him do it to me. I didn’t want to get in trouble.

Numbly, I lay there until he finished.

I limped to the bathroom, where his semen streamed out of me. I felt disgusted. I felt ashamed.

I didn’t tell anyone.

I continued the relationship for another year or so, until he cheated on me with another girl.

I never reported him.

I’ve only ever told a couple people. It’s been well over a decade, and part of me still blames myself. I have flashbacks occasionally. Recently I saw in the news that a teenage boy was raped by his basketball teammates. I am distraught for him. My own wounds have reopened.

To this day I have GI issues that I occasionally wonder are a result of the rape. I’m too ashamed to tell any doctor, though.

I trusted my attacker. At the time, I was so in shock, I wasn’t sure that what’d happened was rape. But now I know better. If I could turn back time, I would’ve yelled for my parents. They love me and would have protected me.

Most of the time, I’m okay. But it’s something I will always carry with me.





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