Alanis’ Story: He Told Me I Deserved It

Alanis’ Story: He Told Me I Deserved It

It was a month after my 16th birthday and I had this boyfriend who I had been dating for a few weeks. He was nice to start with but then he got with this group of friends and he started to change. One day when we were at school, he announced that he was coming round mine that night. I didn’t think much of it but he wasn’t one to invite him self anywhere and he normally struggled with decision making. It was about half 6 in the Afternoon when he knocked on the door. He look dreadful, he was so pale and distant. I started to feel uneasy as I let him in. We went into my games room which is a building in the back garden that is not attached to the house. We hadn’t said a word at this point and I was starting to get worried. We sat there for a bit, I dont know how long and I was deep in thought. He had put the TV on. He then quickly turned to me and started to kiss me. I didn’t pull away but I wasn’t overly comfortable with it. He started to push me down and I started to resist. I became very confused as i just wasn’t expecting it. He had pinned my right arm to the sofa and but his elbow on my neck, he fingered me, then fisted me and just before he raped me from behind he whispered to me that I deserved it. After, I had to clean up the blood, I was In just utter shock. I would have never expected that he would do that, i now know that he was on drugs.
I didn’t dare to tell anyone, I felt like I brought it upon my self in some way and that no one would believe me anyway. To make it worse his friends used to corner me after and do sexual things to me that I didn’t want.
I developed a lot of mental health problems after that. I had anorexia which led me to go into a psychiatric unit for 10 months. I had depression, anxiety, signs of OCD I have PTSD. It took me a year and a half to finally tell someone what had happened and I have been getting help since. I have a very supportive people in my life that never once blamed me for it as I thought they would have done. I know i made the right decision in telling someone because after that it became so much easier. I wish I had done it sooner but right now I am trying to enjoy life. I still go to college with him and see him on a daily basis and i struggle to have intimate relationships and I have a lot of trust issues but I’m getting there.
For anyone out there that is struggling, you are not alone and there is help out there but you can only get it if you really want it. Xx

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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