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Jul 27

Abbie’s story: this is my story.

When I was 13 my life was destroyed… I have never been the same since and I will never be the same again… when I was 13 my life was torn apart by one mistake by someone’s else’s choice… to do something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Other people’s choices can ruin you or someone else for the rest of your life.. and there’s nothing you can do to go back to how you use to be. I was once upon a time a happy teenager you know the normal sad days because of fighting with friends etc. but you get over that. This isn’t something anyone can get over. It hasn’t just ruined my life but my families too and anyone I get close with. I was at home and my uncle was there he had asked my sister and myself if we would want to go and stay with him as he didn’t want to be “alone” my sister said no.. I said yes.. and boy do I regret doing that… When I was 13 years of age I was sexually Assaulted by my “uncle” which I would never ever class him as that again in my life. No he did not actually have sex with me. But I was still sexually assaulted. He did try to have sex with me but told me I was “too tight” and he couldn’t fit it in. He did things to me that I did not give him my consent to do to me. He continued to do things to me even though I was laying there telling him to stop crying my eyes out. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move. I guess I was in shock that someone who I trusted with my life could this to me. One of the worst things was we were at his place. He lived in the middle of the bush with No Phone service what so ever. I couldn’t call to get someone to come get me. I couldn’t call the police. I laid there. Crying my eyes out…. frozen… not knowing what to do. After he was done I went and locked myself in the bathroom and laid in the bathtub crying my eyes out. Not knowing what to do. So I laid there for hours… just thinking to myself what did I do to deserve this? How can someone do this… I remember then going into the other room which I thought he wouldn’t of known where I was. I remember falling asleep. Then I remember waking up being touched again…. and hearing him saying “I cannot go to sleep Until i cum” and he’s touching me while touching himself.. once again I’m there frozen… so unsure on what I have to do. He then “came” and left me. I did not sleep that night. He had to take me to my house then next day. All the way there he was making comments to me like “if I wasn’t your uncle I would marry you” “you’re the perfect girl” once again sat there bawling my eyes out.. I got home and proceeded to go to my room I spent most of my teenage years because of him. I didn’t tell a soul. I didn’t want to break my family the way he had broken me. He KNEW what he did to me. He STILL continued to come to my house every single day and pretend nothing happened. Every single time he would come to my house I would lock myself in my room and I wouldn’t leave. If I had to use the bathroom I wouldn’t even leave. I did not want to see him. This went on for years. And ofcourse during that process I became depressed. I would harm myself.. I had early stages of anxiety and I couldn’t tell anyone.. because no one knew about what happened to me and everyone just thought I was being a normal teenage depressed.. for silly little things. I will never forget the day my mum found out I was depressed. She picked me up from school and I told her that it was all her fault I was the way I was… ofcourse she started to blame herself. As I did. Now was the time I should of told her what happened. I was only 14.. it wasn’t her fault at all. I was scared to tell her what happened. For years this went on. I blamed myself “I must of done something to show him I was interested” “maybe I should of stayed st home that night none of this would of happened” ofcourse I got worse and worse as the years went on. Iwouldn’t go to school and I would blame my back pain on it but that wasn’t the fact at all. I physically couldn’t get out of my bed… my bed was my happy place. The one place no one could see the real me and see what I was actually doing to myself. My mum and I had a tough relationship during that time as we were always fighting because I didn’t want to go to school. I went once a month if they were lucky. Who was becoming ? What was I doing to myself and my family ? Ofcourse I didn’t focus on them only my self. And i had my self and that’s all but not in a good way… I finally gave in and told my next door neighbour what happened to me I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I would of killed myself.. they kept it a secret for me.. I was 14 when I first “slept” with a guy.. the worst part I didn’t even “love him” or like him that much.. I just did it because I thought to myself “maybe the more guys I sleep with I’ll get it out or my head what happened and I will be okay” that wasn’t the case… but I kept just sleeping with guys who meant nothing to me to try and make myself feel better.. but it didn’t work. I think it just made me feel worse because I would just never talk to them again.. all those guys were meaningless to me. I was 15 years old and I had slept with 8 guys.. i knows it’s not that bad. But none of them meant anything to me.. what was I doing ? Why am I like this? At the age of 15 my neighbours were a bit worried about me.. and thought I needed help… they decided it was time my mum knew.. I hated them. How dare they think that my mum had to know and go ahead and ruin my family ? It wasn’t there place to say anything to her… it was my choice who I told and I DID not
Want my family to know… I’ll never forget the day my mum told me she knew what happened I was gutted I didn’t know what do or say.. “why didn’t you tell me!!?” “I was scared mum.. I was scared about hurting you or hurting my sister or my
Dad oh please don’t tell dad please I don’t want him to do anything stupid please promise me you won’t tell him!” “I don’t want dad to go to jail for murdering him for what he did” I was trying to protect
My family for what he did. My big sister she didn’t know what to do when she found she couldn’t believe how blind she was and didn’t figure it out.. as was my mum.. they supported my decision to not tell my dad. They also helped me through it a lot… I realise then I should of told them when I was younger so I didn’t have to do it all alone. I was 17 when I had my first real relationship and fell inlove… I was scared because little did he know what had happened to me. I had nightmares I would wake up crying in the middle of night i would flinch every time he would come near me.. I was scared… how could someone love someone who had been though all that I thought.. how can he even want to sleep next to me at night time.. every time I see him I push him away because I had flashbacks… until the night he told me he liked me.. I was scared because I actually liked this guy too.. I wanted to be with him.. but I couldn’t be with him and him not know what happened to me… I had to tell him. But how do I tell him? I went home and cried my eyes out as I wrote the message to tell him what happened… I told him.. I said you can leave now I understand why you wouldn’t want to be with me and it’s okay I understand.. but he didn’t go away he told me “how can you blame yourself for what happened to you. It wasn’t your fault. I’m here for you” I’ll never forget that night he said that to me.. he supported me through absolutely everything. Was there for me no matter what.. he helped me get over my depression.. he helped me learn how to cope with all this.. he was by my side through it all.. and helped me with everything. And forever I will be grateful for that.. with all that I had been through I found someone to help me cope. Unfortunately we are not together anymore we grow apart as two different people. And that’s okay. But I will never forget him.. he helped save my life I helped me realise I am good enough no matter what had happened to me. And I should not have ever blamed myself for that ever again. He will always have a piece of my heart and will always be a memory to me.. I will never forget him…
I have only seen the man who did this to be out in public a few times since I had told my mum.. it still hurts and I still can’t breathe when I do see him… I’m still shook up about this.. and I know I will always be.. im now 19 years of age I’m now a lot stronger than I ever use to be…
I wanted to share my story with ANYONE who has gone through this… male or female both can be sexually abused.. I want you to know that it doesn’t get easier. But you are never alone if you talk to someone about it. And you will have support. Please do not blame yourself. It wasn’t you.
It feels better to have written it all down… I just felt like I had to share my story.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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