A Survivor’s Story: Shouldn’t Have Trusted Him

A Survivor’s Story: Shouldn’t Have Trusted Him

It was a difficult time in my life. I’d been dating this guy for about six months and two weeks after we broke it off, i found out I was pregnant. I’m still a uni student, I was not financially or emotionally ready to have a baby, I felt so alone and overwhelmed.

I had to go to work as normal, my emotions threatening to gush forward at any second. My boss had been trying to get closer to me for a while but I had held back but around this time I just needed a friend and he was unexpectedly kind to me.

We grew closer during the time I was pregnant and I confided in him. I had the pregnancy terminated, for this stage in my life I felt it was the decision that made the most sense.

After the abortion, I felt I was recovering, I felt hopeful as my physical and mental state slowly improved.

One night, two weeks after the abortion, my boss asked me out to dinner.

I wasn’t in the best place mentally and I did not feel good about myself, I had been emotionally eating during the time of my pregnancy and generally felt out of whack.

I thought maybe It would be a good thing to get out, put on some nice clothes and feel young.

So that’s what I did.

He picked me up, telling me how great I looked and we drove to a lovely restaurant, we had dinner and it was a nice night.

On the way back he pulled over. He started kissing me, I really didn’t want to be touched like this but I let him, soon it was getting more intense and a sense of urgency filled me.

As he loomed on top of me, I pressed my palms against his chest and said, “you can’t go in”

I said it clearly, loudly.

I repeated myself.

he replied and said, “I won’t”

but he did.

afterward he drove me home, I was largely silent, he murmured something about me not being in the best headspace for what just happened.

Everything felt wrong down there, so tender and swollen.

I know i didn’t yell at him or hit him but I felt so disassociated from my body. During my pregnancy my body had become so alien to me, it was this thing suddenly separate from me, against me, growing this life without my say.

I was still in that mindset, to press my palms against him and tell him no felt as though I was using all the strength I had at that time.

I was still healing, I couldn’t accept that this person I had trusted, had leaned on, had betrayed me. I couldn’t cope with it at the time. So i never said anything and we continued being friends for months after that.

Now I see he clawed his way in when I was at my most vulnerable. Remembering and accepting is still something I am grappling with.

Thank you for allowing me a space to share.

 

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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